Spectrum of Light

Mary Magdalene Pilgrimage

2009-07-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from a trip to Palo Alto. The objective of this journey was to attend the Feast of Mary Magdalene at the Gnostic Sanctuary. This last spring I was invited along with Rev. Marsha Emrick to attend this special celebration. Back in 2002 I read about Bishop Rosamonde Miller and the Gnostic Sanctuary in Palo Alto. I had always wanted to attend one of her masses, but never really knew how to go about this endeavor. Thanks to Facebook, Bishop Rosamonde Miller and I were connected and thus the invitation was extended.

As Rev. Marsha and I made preparations for this trip, two of her clergy women asked us if they could come with us and of course we said yes. However, circumstances prevented Rev. Marsha from attending and the universe had other plans for one of the other clergy women. So I traveled down to Palo Alto with Grace, who proved to be a wonderful and easy going traveling companion. We had a great time driving from Seattle to Palo Alto and back again.

I didn't know what to expect before this trip; so I kept an open mind and made a decision not to have any expectations, but to enjoy the present moment I was in. This attitude worked out beautifully and I met many wonderful people, made new friends and met Bishop Rosamonde Miller and her husband. I also had the opportunity to meet with three women I went to Santa Barbara High School with; two who lives nearby and one who lives in Fresno. It was a wonderful weekend of reminiscing the past and rejuvenating my commitment in my spiritual path. It became apparent the Holy Spirit, which our tradition calls Sophia, was ever present.

On our way down we did the usual fun tourist stuff such as visiting "The Trees of Mystery" gift shop and taking many pictures of Paul Bunyan and his Ox. We also stopped in Garberville for lunch and some shopping. Garberville is a little town in Humbolt county off of 101. This town has many wonderful shops and great food. One might call it a hippy or an artist town. And the people are very nice. On the drive back to Seattle we drove through the Avenue of the Giants and took many pictures of the towering Red Wood trees. It's a beautiful scenic drive.

In Palo Alto we had the pleasure of dining with Bishops Rosamonde Miller and her husband. The mass for the Feast of Mary Magdalene is very difficult to describe. Although we were allowed to take pictures of the ceremony I made a choice to commune with the divine and hold the images forever in my heart. It's difficult to explain the transformation that took place in my soul. All I can say is the mass was a unique and personal experience and one would need to attend to come to ones own conclusions. What I can say is I have a renewed commitment in my personal spiritual life and in my role in the clergy for Hagia Sophia and Ecclesia Gnostica.

This pilgrimage was much more than to honor the Magdalene and visit a Bishop Rosamonde Miller who I have admired for almost seven years. As with all pilgrimages, it was to reignite the divine spark within and to fan the flame. This trip was also a chance to let loose and have a some fun, which I did. The most important aspect of this trip was to shut up and listen to what others were saying. There was much life experience and wisdom from everyone around and it was my time to be at the feet of the teachers.

Two days after I returned to my home I noticed some of my friends on Facebook were fans of "The Church of Mary Magdalene", a local parish that is dedicated to helping homeless women. I too became and fan and began a correspondence with the organization. I hope to visit this parish soon and perhaps share resources as I try to find help with the various families I work with as Head Start Family Advocate. This seems to be a small confirmation that I am on the attended path in both my spiritual work and the job that helps put food on the table. I also realize that the call of the Magdalene on my life is much more than a "spiritual experience" but a call to action to minister to those in need. I am not certain how this particular calling will manifest, but in the meantime I will cherish the balance between the Christos and the Holy Sophia.

Spectrum of Light is not Forgotten

2009-05-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

I am writing a quick note that I have not forgotten about my blog. Here is a quick update of adventures as a Gnostic.

Last week Bishop Stephan Hoeller came to visit our Hagia Sophia. Along with blessing our new space, three more people were confirmed and I was moved up from Exorcist to Acolyte. Acolyte is the last of the minor orders before moving up to the big leagues or majors (for those of you who are into baseball). I will stay at Acolyte for a year or more and reflect upon the last four years of being in he clergy along with attaining new knowledge and experiences as a Gnostic. Moving up to Acolyte coincides with finally graduating with my BA in interdisciplinary arts and sciences at University of Washington in Bothell. I graduate June 14Th, the Sunday after Corpus Christi. My son graduates high school on Corpus Christ. Go figure.

This next year I plan on taking a year off from school to work and delve more into my spiritual path through study, practice and experience. I also hope to put more time into my home working around the house and cultivating my relationship with my family. Needless to say, much goes by the wayside when one is in school. However, I know enough by now that not all works according to our well laid plans. In other words I can plan all I want, but I must live life on life's terms and be flexible and open minded.

I hope in a year I will be entering Seattle University to work on my MA in Pastoral Counseling. When I told one of my classmates that I wanted to go into Pastoral Counseling, she demanded that I explain myself. I simple told her I would like a degree that combined theology and counseling practices. I think she thought I was going to counsel pastors.

That's what I have been up to this last winter and spring. I hope Spectrum of Light nor my other blog Creating Sacred Spaces will not be neglected, but I cannot make any promises, because one never knows what life will bring.

Ramblings of a Very Tired Mind

2009-02-18T21:46:00.000-08:00

The last 24 hours I have been in deep contemplation on the spiritual path I have chosen. Or was it chosen for me? I do not consider myself an intellectual, but I enjoy reading and learning. I often mispronounce words while reading the lesson; the classics are when I said parakeet instead of Paraclete and when I pronounced myriads as myraids. My spell checker lets me know that there is no such thing as myraids. These little embarrassments provide comic relief and I am the first one to laugh. However, I do take my spiritual path seriously and these little mistakes may be a way to keep my own ego in check; either that or I need to practice reading the lessons more often. Probably a little of both. Through the last 24 hours the question comes to mind, what sort of person do I want to be on the Gnostic Spiritual Journey? I know what I don't want to be.

I don't want to be:

A gossip. This is something I am working on and I have to constantly keep myself in check and mind my own business.

A knee jerker. By that I mean I don't want to react before thinking my intended actions through and reasoning things out with a trusted friend or counselor.

Resentful. Someone said that resentment was like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Mother Marsha I think said that.

Obsessive. There are times I obsess and it's difficult to let go.

I could go on with this list, but the hour is getting late. Lately my prayer life is changing. When I find myself in one of the above four behaviors, I find myself pausing and just saying "God I don't want to be like this" and this little simple prayer is enough to get me to stop, laugh at my ridiculous behavior, put my ego in check and move on. There are times I have to say this prayer more than once, but it seems to work every time.

I don't know where this spiritual path will lead me, that's the beauty of this journey. All I need to do is mind my own business, think things through, let go of the past and be in the present. It's the beauty of this exact moment that matters.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Winter Solstice

2008-12-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

The Winter Solstice is more than waiting for the return of the warmth of light during the long dark cold days. This is a time of quiet contemplation and keeping the spark within nourished in order to flourish when spring time arrives. In a sense we are pregnant with this divine spark as it grows inside of us. And it is up to us, the mothers and fathers, of this infant light to make sure that it is born into a healthy vibrant flame. However, nourishing the divine within is not an easy task. Often we're uncomfortable with anxiety of what it actually means to have something alive within. Ask any mother who has given birth to an infant.

I am on day six of being snowed in and have plenty of time to contemplate what Winter Solstice means to me. When I am stuck at home, I find my anxiety peaks. I think this is due to the fact I am spending so much time with myself and not pushing my feelings down when I am busy with work, school and other obligations. All of my obligations are put on hold due to snow and ice. The only obligation I have for now is to nourish the divine spark within and attend to the running of the household.

It takes great concentration to not to ignore this divine spark within. During this time I find myself watching way too much T.V to find out when we'll get a break from the weather. I spend a lot of time on the Internet checking e-mails and my facebook account. Yesterday I did too much of this. Today I find myself looking within to make sure the spark is still lit and has not gone out. This is the downside of our modern technology. It's easy to waste precious time. However, I will not allow myself guilt or shame over this. Guilt and shame is also a great waste of precious time.

What I need to remember is that this is a time to rest and take care of myself. It was a busy fall with school and work. How rare it is that one has a whole week at home with no schedule or outside obligations. This is a good time to enjoy my home and the divine spark within.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

A New Home for Hagia Sophia

2008-09-18T17:35:00.001-07:00

I just picked up the key for Hagia Sophia's new home. We move in this Saturday. If anyone would like to help just let me know in the comments. Detail on moving coming soon. Thank you for all of your prayers and good thoughts. The next step is making the rent every month.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

One More Step

2008-08-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

After almost three years in the clergy, I have moved up to Exorcist. I will write more later, but wanted to share this picture.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Hagia Sophia in Search for a Church Home

2008-07-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

Hagia Sophia, a Gnostic congregation in Seattle Washington, is searching for a permanent church home. We celebrate a Gnostic Holy Eucharist which is the traditional Liturgy (Mass) for public worship(from "The Order for the celebration of the Holy Eucharist by Ecclesia Gnostica).

We are looking for a place that is in the Seattle area and is easily accessible by bus, but also has parking. The space needs to have an area for the mass which can seat up to 20 people, a restroom and a social area where we can plug in a microwave, coffee pot and hot plate for social gatherings. We also need storage for vestments, candles and mass books. Since we celebrate a Gnostic Holy Eucharist, we use incense and candles which is essential to our tradition. We are a small congregation with limited funds, so we are looking to pay between $300-$500 a month. If anyone has any idea where we can look, suggestions would be most helpful. Below is pictures of our mass and our priest Sam Osborne+. You are welcome to comment on this blog.

Thank You
Andrea

Our esteemed and wonderful Priest Sam Osborne+

Rambling Thoughts

2008-06-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

Spring quarter just ended and I have a week until the summer quarter begins. I start my senior year at University of Washington and hope to graduate this time next year. Many of my classmates graduate today. I decided to take an extra year to graduate at UW. I had been traveling down this road since 1982; I figure that another year won't matter much. I also have the opportunity this September to travel to Highlander in Knoxville Tennessee for one of my classes.

Highlander is an education center for social change started my Myles Horton. Horton began the education center in the 1930's for labor unions. It was one of the first schools to integrate. Dr. Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks graced Highlander in the 1950's. Needless to say, this is a trip I am looking forward to.

Which brings me to another point, my journey as a Gnostic and a student. This last week I discovered a hidden talent; writing a personal case study. I cannot go into the details, since this is confidential, but I found that I really enjoy the process of interviewing and writing another person's story about a challenge that was faced. I had the opportunity to utilize my creative writing skills in qualitative research. There is yet another road to choose from. I wonder if there is time and energy to take all of these journeys and if these experiences will be compatible with one another.

I suspect that being a Gnostic and social activism go hand in hand. I have always been on the edge of the status qua looking in and have experienced and heard from others the injustices of those entrenched in the Matrix. For me being a Gnostic is not only about head knowledge and talk, but it's about taking action, showing compassion to others and social change. Let's face it, many of our critics accuse us of being elitists and existing in our own bubble of fragile knowledge which can burst at anytime. And I cannot say they are entirely wrong. There are Gnostic's, however, I see working for social change. Gnostic's that work at the food bank, are advocates for the homeless and others who stand up for their convictions on social change. But when our critics see us standing on the outskirts of society discussing and sometimes arguing over what it means to be a Gnostic, we give them more ammunition.

I personally don't care what the critics say about me. I need to know within myself that I am true to my own convictions and that I am living the best life I can. For me that means carefully choosing my path with much prayer and contemplation. And knowing I do not have to do it all at once or even understand it all at once. I just need to go where the direction of where the universe points me to. With that ends my rambling thoughts on this Sunday morning.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Very Slow in the Logosphere

2008-04-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

I just want to say, I am still around...but I am quite busy with work, school and family. In addition, I just don't have much to say these days. In other words I am in quiet contemplation and reflection. So in the words of the Dalai Lama:

"Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent"

His Holiness, The Dalai Lama

New Pictures of My Ordination to Reader

2007-11-18T09:14:00.001-08:00

Last weekend I went down to Portland to move up from Doorkeeper to Reader. Here are the pictures from my trip. Enjoy!

Father Steve beginning the Ordination

Ordination Process

Reading the Lesson

Father Ed, Me and Father Steve

Me and my friend Lisa. We also had a girls weekend away!

Remembering Those Who Passed Through the Veil

2007-11-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hagia Sophia had a Requiem Service for "All Souls Day". The Requiem Mass, in my opinion, is the most powerful service. The congregation brings photographs of loved ones that left this physical life. I forgot my photographs, but I carried their image in my heart and in my mind.

During the Requiem mass, the air becomes more dense and the temperature rises. This is what I experience. Other's probably have different reactions during this particular mass. I use to shake during this mass; I think due to the fact I was not use to the different energies or I just needed to eat something before or a little of both. For me the energies of this mass are different than that of our regular Gnostic Mass.

Today I was fine physically. But as we were making our journey through the mass, a parade of my relatives who had passed through the veil flashed through my mind. I was not thinking anything in particular, I was concentrating on the mass and what I needed to do next to assist the priest. Then during the prayer for the dead my loved ones that passed on appeared in my mind like I was watching a slide show. This is part of what the Requiem Mass is about, remembering those who use to be in our lives.

I remember those not with sadness, but with gratitude that they were in my life for a time. I recall my grandma Pearl cooking Swedish Pancakes on a Sunday morning before Church. We would slather the thin pancakes with butter and Karo's Dark Syrup. My maternal grandmother who we all called Mooey would take me out to lunch every once in a while to the restaurant upstairs in Robinson's Department store in Santa Barbara. I would always have lady finger sandwiches. I also remember going out to dinner with Mooey where she always ordered a Manhattan. These small characteristics of our loved ones are the footprints left in our memories. I plan to carry these images to remind me that even the most mundane rituals are important. The rituals of savoring Swedish pancakes on a Sunday morning or eating lady finger sandwiches are what helped create a relationship with my grandmother's.

With the weather growing colder and the days becoming shorter, this is a good time to honor and remember those who have passed on. For me this is also a good time to continue rituals I have with my own children. It is those moments in the blink of an eye that we tend to remember and that we tend to miss with our loved ones.

If you would like to share about your loved ones and what you remember that made your relationship special, please do so. Or if you would like to share rituals you have with your children, parents or friends that will be your footprint on their memories, I am interested in hearing those also.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Pictures from Santa Barbara

2007-10-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

I went down to Santa Barbara for my 25 year high school reunion. 25 years! As the old cliche goes, where has the time gone? I stayed with the Willoghbys, by friend, Brenda's parents. Brenda and I met in 1979 in our sophomore year and have been friends ever since.

I posted some pictures from my trip. Some are of the reunion. I've also posted a few pictures of "Arlington West, Santa Barbara". Every Sunday since November 2003, Veterans have set up crosses for each person that was killed in the Iraq war. Please take a moment to reflect on those whose lives have been taken away so soon. I'll post more about this memorial on my other blog, "Adventures in Creating Sacred Spaces" in a day or two.

Enjoy the pictures!

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

High School Reunion Photographs

Brenda and Me at the Big Event!

Looking Better Than Ever!

Two Women I went to La Cumbre Junior High With!

Arlington West, Santa Barbara

What Is Not Front Page News

2007-09-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

My co-worker is from Burma and is very upset about what is happening in her country. I told her I would post something on my blog about the atrocities taking place in her homeland. This link from Amnesty International gives a clear picture of what the Burmese people are up against.

My prayer is that the people will overcome the military government and have their elected leader, who is under house arrest, finally do the job she was meant for. Unfortunately the Burmese cannot do this alone, and the major powers will not help them. While our networks in their infinite wisdom tell us the latest on what Paris Hilton is doing (which I don't know what she is doing, because I don't really care), people are dying for freedom.

Let us pray and meditate for peace, not only in Burma, but for the world.

Soccer Season

2007-09-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Beginning next week, posting might be light for a while. Soccer season just began and that keeps me busy. School also starts on September 26 for me, so I'll be busy with my studies.

Since I write about soccer about this time in the year, I posted a picture of my son Matt, and another one of the game.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Taking the Scenic Road to the Priesthood

2007-09-09T16:18:00.001-07:00

Photo taken by Rolf Hicker (http://www.hickerphoto.com/data/media/172/roads_t2358.jpg)

Two years ago this month, I entered Holy Orders through Ecclesia Gnostica. I began attending Hagia Sophia in December of 2002. In 2004 I had a very fleeting thought about joining the clergy; well it wasn't that fleeting, because I did have time to write about it in my journal. A year and half later after that journal entry, I joined the clergy as a lay server. Nine months after that I became cleric, and in another six months I was doorkeeper, a position I still am in today. There is still a very long way to go to the priesthood, which is just fine with me. For myself, rushing through Holy Orders would be a mistake, a big one at that.

It's difficult to explain what happens going through each order. Three months after I became doorkeeper, crisis hit. And the message I got was, the most important vessel I needed to protect was not the church, but myself. I've spent the summer in training to become more confident and less apologetic.

Being in each order is not only head knowledge and mechanics, but it's gaining experience within and without the church to not only become a good priest, but a better human being. Or that's the way I see this.

Another aspect that occurs when on the road to the priesthood, is getting use to the energies along with almost an alchemical change that takes place in body, mind and spirit. With each step there is change and growth. And each change and growth needs to be experienced fully and boldly.

When I first entered holy orders, I had absolutely no ritual experience at all. As a born again christian I did experience the spirit moving in the church, but a ritual mass is different. When one is not use to the energies, it can be overwhelming. During my third time as server, I almost fainted. This is a common occurrence with new clergy. It's not only the spiritual energies, but physical. So word of advice if anyone is thinking of joining a ritual order, make sure your well hydrated and have eaten something healthy and not heavy before serving, if the order does not require fasting that is. Also if the space is small with many people, remember to breath in through your nose and out the mouth, slowly if your feeling claustrophobic. Forgetting to breath or breathing too shallow can lead to dizziness and possibly fainting.

For me the road to the priesthood is not NASCAR. I see myself experiencing the journey and not really having a planned itinerary. I do have a map and directions, but no timeline. I figure the powers that be here below and above will let me know when it's time to move to the next level.

In November I think it might be time for me to move up from Doorkeeper to Reader, but if you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans. So I'll play that one by ear and take it easy.

Meanwhile, I get to enjoy the scenery and fully experience this wonderful spiritual journey I am on.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Realizing the Dream

2007-09-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I found myself working on a collection of poems I had been writing for the past two years. I even came up with a title, which I'll share at another time. The poems are mainly about my own struggle to accept myself as I am with no apologies. And these poems are very personal, ones I hesitate sharing with others, because the story involves others in my life, but from my perspective. And as we all know, memories are never the exact replica of the event that took place.

One of my pet peaves about poetry, especially ones that tell a story, is there seems to be no personal responsiblity for ones own choices. Life happens, both the good and bad, to the poet, and they seem to be the victim. I am not a victim. I will not live my life as a victim. There are occassions I feel sorry for myself, but I have tools to get myself out of that mode. In my poetry I want to make absolutely clear, that I have choices and that I take resposibility for my own actions and the consequences.

I've always had a dream about becoming a published writer. This past summer I thought I'd start a children's book on the myth of Sophia. I've written some of this story, but I have not worked on it for a very long time. When I began this blog, I was in the midst of writing a book titled "Spectrum of Light", but that just sits in my hard drive. However, yesterday I gathered all my journals and poems from classes and began to work on the collection. And I find I am very excited about this project. I hope to get this done before the beginning of school end of September. I still have some time. And a lot of the poems are already written, I just need to find them all.

Perhaps in order to publish fiction or a children's book, maybe one needs to get their own personal story out first. My story in biography form, doesn't appeal to me. I rather have my story packaged in metaphors and mysterious phrases and parables. And my story is not unique, it's a story we all share of the struggle to accept ourselves and untangle our illusions out of the matrix.

So if I finish this project, I might need some advice on who to contact for publishing. I know you can do this yourself, but I have no clue. So I'll listen to any advice anyone has out there in the blogosphere.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

New Glasses

2007-08-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Paul, my son, and I were prescribed new glasses two weeks ago. I picked them up today. I've worn glasses since I was 13, but only for reading and driving. This is no longer the case.

After having my eyes checked the optometrist described my new lenses. He said the top part was for distance, the middle part was for the computer and the bottom part was for reading. I looked at him and asked, "Are you prescribing trifocals for me?" He said, "well yes". Then I asked, "do I have to wear them all the time?" And he responded with "well yes".

I was fully prepared to get bifocals, but not trifocals. So today I am wearing my new glasses on and off trying to get use to the three different levels of vision. I must say, my vision is sharper. Today I actually was able to see the the white and black feathers of the finch at the bird feeder in detail. That was a fine gift.

I am thankful for the tools that help me see better.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

The Hagia Sophia Crew

2007-08-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

If you read my other blog, you'll know I just bought a digital camera. I took it to church with me this morning and I am posting pictures of the Hagia Sophia Congregation. I also have one picture of me. So enjoy

Sam+ and his wife Audra

Lisa and Helen

Stuart, Nancy and James

Me and Audra

Sam+, Audra and Del

This is our Hagia Sophia Crew. Now you all know what we look like.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Check Out My Other Blog

2007-08-25T10:05:00.001-07:00

I am writing another blog, Adventures in Creating Sacred Spaces This blog is focused more on gardening, home and well being for the Gnostic. Check it out!

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

Prayer Garden: Part II

2007-08-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

A specific place in the back yard has been chosen for the prayer garden. Last year this would of been the most unlikely spot, due to the amount of weeds that over shadowed the small black and white rocks that once glisten in the sun during my childhood. This last winter my family put down fabric and mulch over the weeds and it seems to be working nicely. There are a few weeds that pop up, but nothing that is too overwhelming.

The place chosen faces east. The shape is a rectangle, the east/west is about 30 feet long and the north/south is about 10 feet wide. The north end has large boulders. There are overgrown magnolia and juniper bushes. I'd like to take out the juniper bush and plant roses and lilies in its place. The magnolia bush can be trimmed back. To the south, next to our dining room window, there is a rhododendron that can also be trimmed back.

My vision is to chose plants that attract birds, butterflies and bumble bees. I'm also on the look out for an inexpensive water fountain and different statues to place around the yard, along with hanging and potted plants. Also needed are benches and chairs to sit for prayer and meditation.

I am amazed at how much this process is guided by my Higher Power. When I first thought of a prayer garden, I was thinking of making my whole back yard into one. But that was too overwhelming of a task which I know I'd give up on easily. One day last week I was wandering around in my back yard and came across this spot that has been neglected for 17 years and knew that this was the perfect place to have a quiet place for reflection, meditation and prayer. And this spot can be easily maintained.

When I was watering my plants today, I heard a tapping sound. I looked up and saw on my pine tree a woodpecker peeling off the bark, looking for insects to eat. I stood there amazed and awed by the beauty and resourcefulness of this creature. That moment I thanked the unknown God for this precious gift.

If anyone out in the blog land is into gardening, I'd you to share your experiences. I admit, I am novice gardener and I need help with this project. So any ideas you can share with me would be most appreciated.

When I get my hands on a digital camera, I'll post pictures of the space I'm working on. And I may have a separate blog about my adventures in gardening, but I haven't decided on that yet. I'll let you know.

In Serenity and Joy
Andrea

The Inner Resurrection

2007-08-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the Assumption of Sophia. I am having a small group of people over for a little food and a little wine to honor this occasion. We would normally have a Sophia Service, but our priest is out of town, so we'll celebrate in our own small, but significant way.

My thoughts turn towards my own inner gnosis or enlightenment of the divine spark that dwells within my being. I am trying to honor the soul and spirit within. To recognize that I am precious and that I was meant to be here. In fact (and this goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway) we are all precious and we are all meant to be here.

The Resurrection is a spiritual journey. At the beginning there is only a tiny spark of light for guidance, it is the traveler who figures out through trial and error how to fan that spark of light into an everlasting fantastic fire. This process takes a while and is difficult, but it is worth every single heartache experienced. The trick is learning how to enjoy the now in between the difficult lessons we all must go through.

On this Assumption Day of the most blessed mother and Holy Spirit Sophia, I wish all of you serenity, peace and joy.

Andrea

Happy 20th Birthday Paul

2007-08-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

I just want to wish my son, Paul (EIPS), a wonderful and a very happy 20th Birthday.

If you know Paul you can wish him a Happy Birthday here!

Love
Mom

The Backyard Battle to Create a Prayer Garden

2007-08-05T17:48:00.000-07:00

Piece by piece the yard is being transformed. There is still lots of work to be
done, but as we work as a family, weeds are pulled and flowers are planted. This last weekend we planted sage, rosemary, thyme, basil, foxglove, and sunflowers in between large boulders where horsetails use to reside. Wildflower seeds were sprinkled in between the rocks. Last summer my husband had a patch for a vegetable garden, but was abandoned. So our son cleared the patch out last weekend and I planted a Rose of Sharon tree. The image above is a Rose of Sharon which is mentioned in our Sophia Service.

The perimeter of our back yard still has blackberry bushes and weeds that need clearing. Part of me wants to keep the blackberry bushes until the berries are picked, then clear them out. It seems nice to have fresh blackberries to make a cobbler.

Now that August is here, I begin to reflect upon my spiritual path. True, I don't need a garden to accomplish this, but it's nice to have beautiful plants and flowers. And due to my schedule, I tend to plant later than most people. My flowers are just budding while my neighbors are in full bloom. The upside for me is I get blooms later in the summer and early fall so I can enjoy the beauty a little while longer.

I have to admit, I am just beginning to appreciate nature in my back yard. I use to avoid my back yard because it was so messy. Old furniture and weeds took over. Overgrown plants seemed too overwhelming to deal with. I figured since the neighbors don't see our backyard, why even bother with it? Then during June of this year, I thought it would be nice to start working on a prayer garden. A place of quiet reflection and contemplation. And so as a family we worked and keep working on clearing out debris and planting as we go along. This will always be a work in progress. Trial and error with planting and times that I know I'd like to give up. But the key is to work on one area at a time and eventually hope that the backyard will be transformed.

My other goal is to attract birds, bumble bees and butterflies. Two years ago I planted a twig from a friends butterfly bush, thinking it wouldn't survive. Today this small twig is 10 feet and not only attracts butterflies, but humming birds as well.

The other reason I am rambling on about my backyard and nature is that June Osborne, author of "I'd Rather Be Birding", freelance writer and mother to Sam+ is in intensive care in Waco, Texas. Although I've only met her a couple of times I found that June Osborne is a wonderful lovely woman. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

I will end my rambling thoughts here. When the garden is nearer my goal, I will display pictures.

Peace
Andrea

Mary or Martha?

2007-07-19T17:38:00.000-07:00

When I first became a Christian at age 15 I remember a peculiar sermon about Mary and Martha by Pastor Joe. Taking Martha's side he stated that Mary should of first helped Martha with food preparation then she could of listened at the feet of Jesus after the work was all done.

I thought to myself, doesn't Jesus clearly state that Mary has chosen what is good while Martha toiled away in worry and tasks? I am paraphrasing, but that is the message I received from this story.

As the years went by, this debate continued, concerning the role of a Christian woman. Martha was often upheld and revered for her service in domestics while Mary was also revered for her desire to learn from the master. On the other hand Martha was criticized for worrying about the food and dishes while Mary was criticized for not helping her sister. Basically for women it's damn if you do and damn if you don't. A catch 22.

As a fundamental Christian woman, at church functions I'd toil away with the other women in the kitchen cooking, cleaning and serving while the men were out in the sanctuary doing whatever it is that men do. Most of the time I'd hear the latest score on the football game that really had nothing to do with theology. But I suppose you could use football metaphor to make a theological or spiritual point.

Today my desire is really not to help out in the kitchen (actually come to think of it I never really wanted to help in the kitchen), although I do so one person does not get stuck with the work. And to credit our Gnostic Group, everyone takes turns helping. Whether it's buying the communion wine, washing dishes, bringing food or making a newcomer comfortable is a community working together. This is lacking in the story of Mary and Martha, a community working together so everyone has a chance to sit at the masters feet and learn. And today both men and women can help each other with the cooking, serving and cleaning so there is equal opportunity for both serving and learning.

For the most part I want to be Mary. Read, meditate and pray in order to gain insight and knowledge of my chosen path, Gnostism. But I am also a Martha, not a very tidy Martha, but a Martha just the same. I find when I cook, serve and clean I don't concentrate on those tasks, I contemplate my life. Sometimes the thoughts run like this; why can't anyone arrange the cups in the dishwasher the right way (which of course is my way) to contemplating what Gnosis means to me and where my spiritual path takes me. Learning happens with doing the mundane tasks. Also when two or more are cooking or cleaning together great conversations about anything happen. And when your busy being with people you like the tasks get done quicker, then you can sit down and have coffee and cake or a glass of wine to celebrate relationships.

Being a Mary or Martha is really a matter of attitude. This is how I see the story. Martha was stressing out serving the multitudes that accompanied Jesus everywhere he went. Wanting to be a gracious hostess was not only her duty, but desire, she wanted to make sure everyone was fed and things put in order for her own peace of mind. This was her identity. But she expected Mary to have the same desire, and expected Mary to help her. Expectation are preconceived resentments. Mary, not being able to read her sisters mind, chose to stay and listen to Jesus. Finally Martha became so agitated she asked Jesus to tell her sister to help her. Jesus basically told Martha that Mary chose the better part, listening to him, and that she worried too much about the tasks at hand. At this point of the story I feel rather embarrassed for Martha who is only trying to serve her master, alone. And this is the point, we cannot do everything alone. We are made for relationships and need help every once in a while. It's the way we ask for help. I try and check my attitude when I ask for help. Do I play the martyr? Sigh heavily while scrubbing the floor to see if my family is noticing? That never works, my family goes about their business. Or am I like Martha, after reaching my breaking point, demand help? That works, but is not effective. My family helps, but they resent me and I feel guilty. Or can I just simply ask. Hey can you put away the dishes so I can load the dishwasher? Sometimes I am met with a grunt, but a family member will put away the dishes and sometimes even load the dishwasher without asking! That's when I feel I've hit the jackpot!

Basically it's not a question of which to be? Mary or Martha. This has to do with balance and most important attitude. Today as I look out my back yard, I have visions of creating a prayer garden. My Martha's eye see overgrown trees and bushes, weeds, blackberry bushes and thistles that all need to be taken out and soil that needs to be tilled. My Mary's eye sees wild flowers, red roses and white lily's combined, stone crosses, a gazebo with table and chairs and possibly a fountain. Combining the Martha and Mary will help me with my prayer garden and asking my sons to help me prepare the garden.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on the Mary and Martha story.

May all live happy joyous and free!

Andrea

Living Joyful, Happy and Free

2007-07-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

This last weekend I went down to Portland with a friend. We planned the trip in June/July when the weather is nice and not too hot. With the latest trip to Portland, I'm learning how to shed my inhibitions and live in a state of joy.

During our four days in Portland, we went along with the flow. There was no schedules to keep, no place we absolutely had to be (except for 11 am mass on Sunday) and we didn't worry about how much food or wine was consumed. With the exception when I drove, then I limited my intake of alcohol because the point was to have fun, not to be reckless. I unlocked the cage door and actually stepped out of the costume I show to the world and began a journey of self discovery and an exploration of my own power. And the magic, fun and joyfulness did not stay in Portland, we transported the experience back to Seattle. I came back to my home with more energy and more confidence to live my day to day life. And became a little more comfortable with certain decisions I have made concerning my personal life.

I also had the honor of serving mass with Steve+ and Sondra, clergy of Queen of Heaven. Afterwards we had fellowship at a little coffee shop. Then we went to the Chinese Garden, which is in the heart of downtown Portland. There, the scent of jasmine filled the air and the orchids adorned the green leaves. We had tea and little snacks in the elegant teahouse overlooking the pond filled with lily pads and lotus flowers. After tea and wondering around the gardens, we ended our evening at Arabian Breeze that served fabulous food.

Now that I'm back in Seattle, I intend to continue the energy I felt in Portland. The truth is, I did not have to travel to Portland to find this energy, it was within me all along. Vacations can be the key to unlock inhibitions, energy and power one already possesses. The trick is not to loose the lesson learned upon returning to daily life. And to look at the mundane tasks such as jobs, household chores and maintenance with an attitude of gratitude and joy.

In two weeks I go back to Portland, this time with my husband and son. We'll go to the Chinese Garden, the Grotto and visit the Oregon Zoo. We'll also spend a bit of time with the Portland Clergy. On our way back we'll stop off in Goldendale and tour the observatory.

My goal this summer is to live joyful, happy and free. To not only shed my physical pounds, but to shed the invisible chains that I have created that prevent me from being the person I truly am. As the verse states from an Eagles song:

We often live our lives in chains
And we don't realize we have the key

Peace and Joy
Andrea

The Apostle's Creed

2007-06-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

"I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord. He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day he rose again. He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen"

The Apostle's Creed was part of a funeral service my sons and I attended this last Saturday. This creed that was recited every Sunday morning at the Lutheran Church my grandmother took me to, brought back some memories.

I cannot bring myself to recite the creed anymore. While most people this last Saturday recited the creed, I sat there in silence. Then I remembered, I always had trouble reciting this creed. I never fully believed everything that it stated. So this week I decided to do a little bit of research and came across this little paragraph in Wikipedia.

The theological specifics of this creed appear to have been originally formulated as a refutation of Gnosticism, an early heresy. This can be seen in almost every phrase. For example, the creed states that Christ was born and suffered and died on the cross. This seems to be a statement directly against the heretical teaching, which states that Christ only appeared to become man, and that he did not truly suffer and die, but only appeared as if he did. The Apostles' Creed, as well as other baptismal creeds, was esteemed as an example of the apostles' teachings, and defended the Gospel of Christ. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apostles'_Creed)

As a Gnostic, this makes sense to me. There are several versions of the creed, but I think they have the same message. For me, the creed takes out the ultimate mystery of the Christos, the magic and the ritual. Which seems to be the purpose of those who wrote the creed, to take out the magic, power and mystery of the Christos and to control the newly converted with the threat that Jesus Christ will come back to judge the living and the dead.

As a child I fully believed that Jesus would come back to judge me. The problem was I always felt that I missed that mark. That I had to be perfect somehow, but never could reach that pedestal of perfection. Even when I became a fundamentalist Christian and knew my sins were forgiven, I still felt unworthy and that I was missing this unseen mark of what a Christian Woman ought to be. And my heart leaned towards the mystic and the esoteric, although I did not know that was part of who I was at the time.

Mainstream Christianity teaches that humans are sinners from the beginning. And that only the blood of Christ can wash those sins away. When I was a teenager my friend Diana, who group up in a devout Christian household, told me in confidence a young life camp, that she could not bring herself to believe that God would send people who didn't believe in Christ to hell. At that time I was a very devote Christian, but I had no answer for her. Because I remember thinking the same thing. How could a loving God throw his own creation into hell. I think I told her to pray, which is a good thing, because perhaps she developed spiritually in a different way.

Today I do not see myself as a sinner. I see myself as a human being with a divine spark that makes mistakes. With prayer, meditation and reflection I try to learn from my mistakes and move on. The Apostles Creed mentions nothing about the love unconditional or otherwise. Perhaps that's the real problem I have with the creed.

I'd like to hear your thoughts about the Apostle's Creed.

Blessings
Andrea

Acceptance

2007-05-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

Traffic was actually great this morning and it only took me 40 minutes to get to work. The 24 mile drive usually takes me a little over an hour. Arriving work early, I had some time to sit in the staff room and relax before beginning my day. To my surprise I walked in on one of my co-workers praying. It wasn't just prayer, she was standing with her hands reaching upwards praising and speaking in tongues.

Being a former fundamentalist Christian, this concept was not new to me. I decided to sit on the couch and pretend to look at my calendar, but I was actually listening to my co-worker. For me this was a reminder of my past when I embarked on a spiritual path. In an odd way listening to my co-worker beginning her day in prayer and praise was comforting and reassuring.

My next comment may offend some Gnostics who read this blog. Sometimes I feel Gnostics take a superior attitude over others who are on a different spiritual path. I know at times I am critical of those who are faith based rather than knowledge based. The fact is, I used to be in a faith based fundamental speaking in tongues holy rolling religion. All I needed to know at that time in my life was the four gospels and that I was saved, hallelujah and amen! It was simple and straight forward and for a time this felt good and it felt right. Then I was tired of only milk and I began to crave more meat and more knowledge. It took me over twenty years to find the Gnostic path, which I am grateful for.

But on the way to Gnosis, I do not want to loose the heart and the love I learned to have for God from those early days. That heart and love has evolved not only for God, but for the Christos and for Sophia. For myself I want to accept others who are on a different spiritual path, whether it is faith based, knowledge based or both and not only live from my intellect, but from my heart and soul. Knowledge is important, but if it without love, acceptance and compassion, what good is that knowledge? One may read, research and write using their great mind, but does only using intellect make one happy, joyous and free? For me there needs to be a balance.

I was reminded of the simple joy of being able to be one with the Father through simple prayer. And I am joyous, happy and free not only from knowledge, but having faith that there is a power or powers greater than all of us that watches, protects and is present with all of us, whether one is a Gnostic, a Fundamentalist Christian, Buddhist, or whatever one chooses.

Peace
Andrea

Emerging

2007-05-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while people on a spiritual path travel down a road of total and complete darkness. Although we're headed the same direction, we take different roads to get there.

I am, I hope, beginning to emerge from a place that has been very dark and frightening. Just to give a little history into what this means, I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder which is triggered by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This last Easter there was an incident that sent me on a path that was completely out of my control and I felt as if I was falling off the spiral path into the abyss. Luckily for me, I have a great support system, two great counselors, Al-anon and loving family, plus the medication I am taking helps. And with prayer and meditation, I'm pretty well set.

Last night I tried a fairly new therapy, EMDR and integrating my life. If you want to know what those are, you'll have to Google the terms, because it's lengthy to explain. After my therapy session, I felt stronger than I had in a very long time. And I could see myself finally emerging out of this dark abyss I had been floating around in.

To be completely honest, when the dark times hit, it sucks. When going through the experience I admit, I'm not grateful or even gracious for that matter. I am pissed that I'm not enjoying my life and that I carry this anxiety around with me like a sack of stones. And when people give me advice that I did not ask for, I want to kick them. I know that's very immature, but that is just where I am. And the next person that says to me "Let Go and Let God" may just get kicked. I know they want to help. But this sort of disorder takes time to heal. And if the healing is rushed, the scab can be picked off and new wounds appear. And that is what I had been doing all of my adult life, putting a band aid on a wound that needed surgery, proper stitching and antibiotics. And my Higher Power finally said this wound has gone on too long, it's time to take proper care of it.

I'm not certain how much longer I'll be in this state. I am finally treading water and beginning to breathe on my own again, but when I finally get out of this dark abyss, only time will tell. As for today, I am going to see a concert and listen to the music of Hildegard Von Bingen. Perhaps I'll heal a little bit more tonight.

Censer Phobia

2007-04-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite parts of the mass is watching our priest cense the alter. The censer seems almost weightless in the priests fingers as he is twirls this massive bulk of gold metal around the alter. +Sam makes this task look easy and effortless.

Needless to say, I'm still struggling with the censer. This last Sunday it was just +Sam and I serving at the alter. So there was a lot to do with the censer. The first task is to hold the censer while the priest scoops incense into the bowl. I always forget to open the top part (I don't know all the terms of each censer part, so bear with me please). That's usually alright, because +Sam remembers. But after the censer is loaded, I try to hand it back to +Sam before he blesses it. It's very important the priest blesses the censer.

So after the alter is censed the first time, I have to cense the priest. As I'm censing the priest this phrase runs through my mind, "Don't hit the priest in the forehead with the censer" This is my mantra until I'm done censing the priest. Then when I put the censer back the hook, I say "Don't drop the censer".

The second censing, I swing this monstrosity at the congregation. We have a very small chapel, so I repeat to myself, "Don't hit the people in the front row with the censer". I've managed never to hit the priest or the people with the ashen golden metal object I wield around. So that's a good thing. Hitting someone with hot metal is very very bad.

The one issue I have with the censer, is it either gets tangled up or the bowl part becomes crooked somehow making it harder to swing the thing. This last Sunday, I got the censer tangled up with the binder that contains the gospel and the readings. So +Sam had to wait while I untangled the chain from the bottom of the binder. I hope no one noticed and thought I was just being extra reverent or something like that. It's really difficult to be graceful untangling the censer.

I think the most difficult part censing is during the consecration. If my math is correct one has to swing the censer 54 times, all the while coordinating the wielding or swinging with the bell and with the priest bobbing his head this way and that 54 times. Not to mention, one is kneeling while doing all that. Don't get me wrong, I love this part of the service and I've managed to finally learn how to cense without hitting the priest, tangling the censer or hitting myself in the head. But it took me a year to perfect this motion, and I'm still trying different ways. I finally decided the best way to learn to use the censer was to watch the priest. I did ask for censer lessons and it was suggested I swing from the wrist, that was helpful. But I noticed the priest held the end of the chain more near his shoulder instead of his chest. I tried that, and it was easier to swing the censer. I've also decided not to let the bottom part hit the chain. When that happens, it's more likely to tangle.

I'd like any advice or tips on improving my censer swing. Or if you have any funny censer stories, please share. I'd like to think that I'm not the only one with censer troubles.

Peace
Andrea

The 23rd Psalm

2007-04-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want
He maketh me lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me besides the still waters
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his namesake

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies
Thou anoitest my head with oil: my cup runneth over

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever

This was the very first Bible verse I was made to memorize by my grandma. At age nine I didn't understand it at the time, but there was comfort in this psalm. I was to recite this before going to bed every night.

My grandma had a little house near Lake Meridian in Kent, Washington. It was a one bedroom house, but there was this little alcove where my bed was. In the summers when I'd stay with her, I'd say this psalm before going to sleep. I remember I liked it better than "I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I die before I wake, I pray my soul the Lord to take". I'd be terrified that I'd never wake and I wouldn't know where my soul went. As a little girl I had no concept of what a soul was. So when my grandma introduced me to the 23rd Psalm there seemed to be more protection for my soul. When I got to the part of "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" I pictured I was walking amongst skeletons. That was an unsettling thought. But despite the thought of walking amongst skeletons, I recited that prayer every night.

In my life once more I'm walking back in the "valley of the shadow of death". That is my metaphor that life really sucks right now. This psalm was a reminder today that I am not alone and that I am protected by my Lord and Savior. I know that sounds fundamentalist, but it's good to be humbled by the fact that each of us has a protector whatever label it has. Today I choose Lord and Savior. Tomorrow I may choose Holy Mother Sophia.

When I learned the 23rd Psalm, I was in a sad place. My parents had just separated and it was the beginning of their divorce. It was a confusing time. My mom had gone down to Santa Barbara and my dad was unable to cope raising a nine year old daughter. So I ended up with my grandma. The night I learned the 23rd Psalm I felt peace and serenity. That I was being watched over by a power greater than myself. This Psalm comes back to my mind when I feel afraid, anxious or alone.

As I write these words and reflect on the words of the Psalm, I know I am divinely protected and have been all of my life. Certain life experiences remind me of this fact. At age 14 I was hit by a car and my only injury was a sprained ankle and an injured knee that acts up once in a great while. I've fallen off a scaffold and a horse and managed to survive those incidents without any lasting or serious injuries. One night after work a man followed me to my car, but didn't approach me until I was inside with my door locked. He wanted to show me something that was tiny and small ( I think you the reader can get the picture). As I backed out quickly I'm pretty sure I ran over his foot, but decided it was best just to keep driving. Although I was terrified, I realize now that night I was protected. Going through the latest struggle, I realize I've been through much worse in my life and that I will get through this episode also. And perhaps learn some very important lessons along the way.

The 23rd Psalm is a wonderful reminder of the divine guidance and protection I've received throughout my life. And for this I am truly grateful.

Peace
Andrea

Jesus Camp (Reflection)

2007-04-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

I am not a big documentary fan. I like to watch movies where I can escape for two hours. But I do recommend for those of you read my blog "Jesus Camp". This movie is an observation of how Evangelical Christians are grooming children to be warriors in the name of Christ.

There seems to be the belief among the Fundamental Christians that this country was chosen by God to be the forefront of Evangelical Christianity and to spread this message that God loves you, but in order to keep right with God one needs to follow these rules and regulations that are set by the Bible according to the interpretation of the leaders of the mega churches. The previous are my own interpretation, not the words of the documentary.

"Jesus Camp" shows a slice of one aspect of faith in the United States. There were no "Michael Moore" antics of the documentary team being on the camera and using confrontation to get their message across. The two women who directed the movie, Heidi Ewing and Rachael Grady, showed the opposing view through a radio talk show host, Mike Papantonio. who spoke openly against the Evangelical Christian Right.

It was obvious that Ewing and Grady had respect for both the children and the adults in the film. They made a very important film that can lead to important discussion on not only different aspects of faith in general, but also different views among both Evangelical Christians and Christians of other denominations.

On a more personal note (speaking as a former Fundamental Christian) I related to a bright endearing girl, Rachael. In one scene she was talking about how Jesus preferred that Christians be excited and not somber in their church services. She spoke of the quieter churches being "dead". I want to make perfectly clear that I am not criticizing Rachael in any way, because I'd be a hypocrite to do that. I use to feel exactly the way she did. For some reason I thought the louder I was for God the closer I'd be to God. I didn't realize until I was an adult that God was always with me, I just needed to take the blinders off and it didn't matter if I was loud or quiet. While watching Rachael in this movie, I got a sense of not only her enthusiasm for her beliefs, which were obvious, but there was this loneliness about her. The same loneliness I felt at age 15 when I was trying to fit in with a Fundamental Christian Group that opened the door for my own spiritual path. I fully realize that I was reliving my own experience through Rachael. And perhaps she doesn't feel lonely, but a film never tells the whole story.

Rent "Jesus Camp". It's a very well done movie. And it's an important movie to spark discussion. On that note I'd like to invite discussion about this movie or the subject of different faiths in the United States, Christian or otherwise.

Peace
Andrea

The Rapture, Al Gore and Toy Trains

2007-04-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

I normally do not record my dreams on this blog. The dreams I have are tucked safely away in my private marble journal and I share them with my family and a few trusted friends at my church. This dream, however, showed me that I may be waking up from the sleep of this material world.

The dream was about the rapture. Not the one recorded in Revelations. There were no dead bodies rising from the grave or people ascending and crashing through the ceilings and roofs of their houses. This rapture was quiet and very low key. And it wasn't only a one time thing. There was a daily opportunity to be raptured. I'll stop here and just say, this is my dream and it's not a prediction of anything to come. It is my subconscious working out whatever it needs to work out. So while your reading I'm recording from my own ego. The dream has to do with my life in the here and now and not the future. That being clarified, I'll continue.

There were two rooms and a hallway. I was in the hallway with an old high school friend of mine. In one room there were people sleeping. In the other room people were waiting for the rapture. My friend and I were the only ones out in the hallway. We agreed that the rapture was not a physical one, but one that took place in our hearts. Then all of the sudden, the people in the other room were gone. We looked at each other and both said, I guess we were wrong. But there was no panic, it was an acceptance.

Then my friend and I were in the room with other people and we were all waiting for the rapture. Before we were to be raptured, a divine being dressed in a tan polo shirt, tan slacks with a black belt and black shoes explained to us how this rapture worked. He looked like a thin Al Gore. He had this pointer and said that time was not linear, but that time was a cycle. And that although we were all going to heaven, it would only be for a short while and that we all would find ourselves back on this earth. But the earth needed to recover, and we needed a rest from earth.

Then a child from my preschool class had this red wagon filled with his toy trains. He was seeing if he could take the trains with him and asking a multitude of questions while his mother stood next to him. Then this child wanted everyone to count to 34 in their heads. I don't know what significance 34 has. Meanwhile, I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. I didn't want to be raptured on a full bladder and I knew this child would take up a lot of time with his questions about his trains and the number 34. So I ran into the hallway and into the other room where all these other people were sleeping. I saw another child from a class I worked in two years ago sleeping peacefully and was thinking, she's missing out. But I knew not to wake her. I reached the bathroom, and that's when I woke up.

What does this have to do with gnosis? The simple explanation is that the people who are waiting for the rapture are in the process of remembering where they come from. Some of them don't fully realize it, such as the little boy who wants to take his toy trains with him. The other people in the room sleeping are still asleep in the world. They have forgotten that they are children of the divine and are content to sleep. In the beginning of the dream, where I'm in the hallway, I'm not quite aware of gnosis. I think the people all waiting for the rapture in the other room are ignorant. When they disappear, I realize I was wrong. So I go to the other room to wait for the rapture. When I find my bladder full and I run out, am ready for gnosis? I intend to come back, but instead I wake up to my reality, which is I did have a full bladder and that's what actually woke me up.

I've heard that all the characters in the dream are actually parts of ourselves. So I was that little boys trying to take the toy trains with me and wanting everyone to count to 34. I was the child that was sleeping. And I was that divine being who was dressed in a polo shirt and slacks. So perhaps my subconscious is waking up or is trying to reveal that I am on the path towards gnosis.

And on that note, it's time for me to get dressed for mass.

Peace
Andrea

Reflections on a Saturday Afternoon

2007-03-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

I'm suppose to be reading for my class or cleaning my house for company. Instead I'm sitting here at my dining room table. The north side of my house has sun, while the south side has rain clouds looming over the horizon. Yellow dandelions begin to poke out amongst the over grown grass that cascades down my back yard. I am reminded it's almost time to plant the wild flower seeds I bought last week among the large boulders. This last winter my husband and sons laid wood chips down on part of our back yard in hopes we'll have less weeds. I see three weeds poking through the fabric beneath the wood chips. This battle with the weeds is constant. One I normally give up on, to the dismay of our neighbors. Then again both my husband and I, with little time to do yard work, much less housework.

Thus are my wondering thoughts this Saturday afternoon the last day of March. I have accomplished a few things today. I've read 75% of the essay that was assigned. There is soup simmering in the crock pot for my company. Wine and bread are bought and stored away. The house was cleaned this morning. This is the first Saturday I've been at home in almost a month. I'm normally out and about running errands, on a trip or helping my parents. This is a real treat for me.

I think now what is the point of this blog entry? What does it have to do with gnosis or seeking the light within? Allowing wisdom or light to come through in mundane activities seem important. I'm gradually learning that I don't need to be in a quiet place with an icon and burning candles to achieve peace, wisdom and gnosis. I achieve this through every day things such as cutting vegetables for my soup. Or when I plant my wildflower seeds, grounding my self as my hands loosen the dirt. When I wipe that spill off of the kitchen counter, I can imagine wiping shame and guilt away from my consciousness.

Let's face it. In this society where the work ethic of the puritan values has seeped into our being, for me it's important to find gnosis in the everyday mundane tasks. And when I'm truly of right mind I find peace in cooking or vacuuming or doing mounds of paperwork. What it is keeping the axis of communication open with the divine at all times. Not only during mass or meditation or saying the rosary, but constantly. And that's more difficult to achieve than learning how to pronounce Nag Hammadi properly.

Trip to Portland

2007-03-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

Father Steve Marshall celebrated his 20th year as priest this last weekend. The celebration included a lecture by Bishop Stephan Hoeller on the Gospel of Judas, a large banquets of Thai cuisine at Beau Thai and a mass celebration the following Sunday.

Being somewhat of a wallflower, I did not bring my vestments, thinking there would be plenty of clergy to celebrate mass. I was looking forward to being anonymous, probably out in the hallway, and viewing the mass from a distance. After the lecture I re-introduced myself to Steve, since we only met a handful of times, and then he informed me I'd be second server. I replied oh I forgot my vestments, in which he said, don't worry we'll have something that will fit you. So I resigned myself to dress mostly in black the next morning. I did throw on a white cotton blouse over my black attire, for variety.

The trip to Portland, for lack of a better adjective, was good. My friend Susan, who I met through my priest Sam, and my son Paul drove down with me. Before we headed on the road, I had to put in three hours of paperwork at Renton Technical College Childcare, so I had Susan teach 30 preschoolers how to belly dance. Needless to say, I am really glad she is still my friend. It was a challenge to teach 30 preschoolers how to belly dance. The older girls loved the lesson, the boys not so much. And one boy decided he rather do the scissor kick dance Russian style. Another boy told Susan he did not like to dance and that he liked his mother better than he liked her. She took it all in like the professional she is. Luckily the lesson only lasted for about 20 minutes and Susan and Paul spent the rest of the time reading in the staff room while I updated my files.

I've learned not to stress out on these trips anymore. Or hopefully do the best I can not stressing out while driving. The drive down took about 4 1/2 hours due to heavy traffic and rain. We listened to a tape of Bishop Hoeller's lecture on the Hymn of the Pearl. I heard bits and pieces of the lecture, but not too much since I was concentrating on my driving in the pouring rain. We finally made it to the Holiday Inn in Portland and got ready for dinner.

Although Portland is smaller than Seattle, it's a challenge to navigate a car through the city streets. One reason is Portland decided to spend money to have an excellent transit system. So there is really no need for people to drive downtown unless you're from Seattle and don't know how to use the transit system. Another reason is Portland is tearing up my favorite street that I navigate the whole city by, Burnside, so half the bridge is under construction and it's a two lane road. And I'm not a very aggressive driver. I signal and wait while others pass to make my lane change; the problem with that is I miss the turn I want to make.

Unbeknown to Susan, when I am in unfamiliar city driving, I go into this zone and begin to swear. My first evening on Burnside with people walking against red lights and other drivers zooming by me, my swearing was very noticeable. The funny thing is I'm concentrating so hard, I don't realize I'm swearing. Susan took it all in stride and said later I can't believe Andrea said "the "f" word". After dropping Susan and Paul off near a gay bar so I could find parking, I lucked out and someone pulled out of a space while I pulled in. I didn't even have to parallel park, which I'm horrible at.

We ate at this Greek restaurant, Alexis where Susan use to work. Me being on Weight Watchers, I watched my portion sizes and alcohol intake, but decided not to record what I ate that weekend. Surprisingly, I lost 3.6 lbs this last week. Perhaps the stress driving in Portland increased my metabolism. Next day we slept in. Paul and I went in search of good coffee at Starbucks leaving Susan to get ready for the day. We had lunch at the old Wives Tale on Burnside and shopped before heading to the lecture and banquet dinner. By this time I was use to driving and looking for parking and I think my swearing was cut down a bit.

Since the Bishop was in town, Passion Sunday Mass was packed. The seats were all full and people were out in the hallway and living room. Before mass Father Steve and Father Ed wanted me to light the charcoal for the incense, which I was reluctant to do. One time I tried lighting charcoal, but it broke and I dropped the lit charcoal on the floor. Ever since then Father Sam has always lighted the charcoal. But this time I successfully lit the charcoal with Father Ed's help and all went fairly well during mass. Except it was rather hot with all the extra people and we needed to open a window. And I think I was suppose to put water in the lavabo dish, but forgot to do, so that had to be done in the middle of the mass. There was no room for everyone to come up and take communion, so the Bishop went to everyone in their seats and he even went out in the hallway and living room. So with a few exceptions, it was a nice mass. Afterwards there was food, coffee and tea to celebrate Father Steve's 20th year.

The drive home was much better. Sun was out and Susan and I talked the whole way back, making the 3 1/2 hour drive quick. Paul was plugged into his I-Pod and seemed happy. We hope to go back this June and visit Portland and the clergy. Perhaps this time we'll have time to visit the grotto when all the flowers are in bloom. Hopefully I'll have a handle on the streets better and will be able to navigate Portland or better yet learn how to use their transit system!

Now I'm back into my life with school, my work as a Family Advocate and I'm teaching two mornings a week. We were only there for a few days, but it was a nice break from the every day life in Seattle. And it was great to see Father Steve celebrate his 20th year as priest. Congratulations Father Steve. Here's to the next 20 years for you!

Shedding

2007-03-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

This Lenten season it seems I've been shedding things in my life I no longer need or things that are preventing me from living a happy and joyous life. I am in the process of shedding or detaching shame, guilt, anger, anxiety and fear. This process revealed to me that there was something else I need to shed, something I've struggled with the majority of my adolescent and adult life, excess weight. So I am at my sixth go around with Weight Watchers in an 18 year period. I've never made it to lifetime, because I always quit before I make it to goal, thinking I can do the rest on my own. What ends up happening is I stay at a good weight for me for about a year or two, then I slowly get back into old habits of eating and lack of physical activity.

The word shedding appeals to me more than losing. Shedding, to me, seems more of a process of working and letting go of the things in life that don't serve very well anymore. I finally realize why I allow myself the excess weight, it's protection for me, it's a weird sort of comfort. Perhaps realizing why I gain this weight back every time might help me to keep it off.

Now one may ask protection from what? The answer for me is simple, from hurt that life has to offer. But the weight never protected me from that. It's like going into a nuclear war with a tin helmet, armor, shield and sword. The illusions of being protected are just that, only illusions. However, I've discovered certain fears I hold onto are also just illusions, whether created in my own psyche or created by the archons of this world.

The other aspect I realized in this process; it's not about shedding the weight, it's about shedding the behaviors and attitudes that lead to the weight gain. The weight gain is only a symptom of a disease I've carried with me my whole life. I am not quite certain what that disease is just yet, perhaps it's the disease of illusion. I've learned that it is all right that I do not know exactly what hinders my growth as long as I keep on the journey. Life is one of discovery and trial and error. If we had all the answers now, I think this life would be pretty boring. The key, for myself, is to keep traveling the spiral road, even if I have to crawl an inch at a time. Sometimes I can jog the path with strength and vitality, enjoying the scenery along the way. Other times I am barely crawling on my hands and knees. Then there are the times I have to allow my Higher Power to carry me along the path. The times I allow my Higher Power to carry me, is when I learn to shed the stuff I no longer need.

Lent has always been a time of self examination. This time of year presents itself in different ways for me. Last year I was dealing with my father's crisis, learning how to be a daughter, yet learning how to set boundaries for myself to maintain my own health. The previous year I was let go from a job, which was a huge blessing in disguise. Being let go helped me discover my hidden talents and not be stuck. This year once again I am in the process of shedding and letting go. I am shedding my weight and shedding yet another job. Shedding the job is my choice this time around. I found that this season of lent reveals to me what I do need to let go, instead of me choosing to give up chocolate for forty days, then by Easter scarfing down a chocolate bunny to reward myself for the sacrifice I made for God.

My goal is to be unchained from the "endless chain of attainment". For me this means letting go of things that hold me to this world, one of which is my excess weight I no longer need.

What to Give Up for Lent

2007-02-21T17:24:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again; lent. While driving to work this morning I heard on the radio that the traffic reporter was giving up beer during this season. Perhaps a worthy goal, but does giving up beer make one more spiritual, or is it just something to do on the outside for the world to see?

If giving up certain foods, drinks or activities does help one become closer to the divine then I am in no position to judge. All I know this practice of giving up something during lent has never worked for me, because I have never followed through. After failing at this attempt to give up something during lent, led to guilt and shame over my lack of will power. Guilt and shame has never drawn me closer to God, instead I withdraw from the divine. So now during lent, I've decided to detach from guilt and shame along with three other feelings that tend to get in the way of my growth; anger, anxiety and fear.

I use the word detach, because I realize that there are times I have no control over how I feel. However, I do have control over how I deal with those feelings. I hope to practice this detachment beyond lent, into the Easter season and throughout the year. For me lent is not just about giving up something like beer or chocolate, it's about taking that extra step to stoke that divine spark into a flame, not to only become closer to God, but to share that fire with others. Guilt, shame, anger, anxiety and fear dull that divine spark, in some cases putting out that divine spark completely.

While driving to school today, I heard a song about the desire to shine by Shawn Mullins. I first heard this song in 1998, four years before I even knew what a Gnostic was. As I listen to the words, "I want to shimmer, I want to shine, I want to radiate", I knew that's what I wanted for myself. What I did not know was how that would come about or happen. Every time I hear that song, that desire becomes even more powerful within myself and I am reminded to trust the divine and to detach those things that dull that spark within. Those things are NOT beer or in my case chocolate, but destructive feelings that can poison from the inside out.

On this first day of lent, Ash Wednesday, I wish those of you who actually read this blog and those of you who don't a season with sparks of light that will eventually ignite into a roaring flame that burns bright for all to see.

Peace and Blessings
Andrea

Crossroads

2007-02-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

Father Jordan's post inspired me to write about some of the struggles I've been having in my own career as a preschool teacher and as a Head Start family advocate. I find myself at yet another crossroads in my life where I need to make a decision of which direction to take.

There has been a lot of tension at the current place I teach. It looks like we're facing closing next year. Emotions are running high and people are pointing fingers. Unfortunately some of those fingers are being pointed in my direction and another teacher's direction. And I struggle with the unfairness of it all and try as hell not to throw a two year old tantrum. Instead I talk with friends, appreciate the support of my co-workers and most importantly of all put things into perspective. The reality this job I do is only 53 hours a month. Being a preschool teacher is not my life, it's what I do. And it seems the divine is telling me it's time to leave teaching, for now. I've decided to finish out the year with the preschool, but after that I'll be concentrating on my job as a Family Advocate and working on my BA and then my Masters. Most importantly, I can spend more time with my family and work on my spiritual path.

I've also made the decision to travel the road toward becoming a priest. This decision in a way was made for me, not by me. I feel more lead to go down this road; becoming a priest was not on my radar screen until recently.

I see another layer of the onion skin being peeled off with my current job situation. It hurts, but after this layer is peeled away, that means I am closer to my own divine spark. I think that is what this life is all about, peeling away the trappings to get to the core of our beings.

So, with another label being pulled off, the label of "preschool teacher", I can begin to breath a little better. And I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I will grieve for a while, giving up this career for a time. At this point I'm not certain if I'll go back to it or not. What's important is not to worry about the future or think about yesterday, but to live in the moment. And that's what I hope to accomplish.

What I am grateful for is that I am not alone in all of this. I have a rich full spiritual life, a wonderful family and a great support group to help me get through yet another crisis. And I have an exciting path to forge ahead. That's another aspect to focus on, what there is in my life that is wonderful and good. And I have so much to be thankful for. And for that I am truly grateful.

Saved

2007-01-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I'll watch a movie or read a book that reminds me of my past as a Christian Fundamentalist. Yesterday morning I watched "Saved", a parody of teenagers who are Fundamental Christians. However, I realized the characters in the movie were not very far from people I knew and more importantly, from who I was at age 15.

The movie is about Mary. Her boyfriend tells her he's gay and she takes it upon herself to sleep with him to save him from his "gayness". She thinks that if she sacrifices her body to him, he would change and her virginity would be restored. What ends up happening is her boyfriends parents find a gay magazine and sends their son away to be reprogrammed and Mary ends up pregnant.

Throughout the movie Mary hides her pregnancy and during this journey she befriends a rebel girl who is Jewish and her wheelchair bound boyfriend. Mary learns about acceptance of other people, that people do not fit into categories of saved and unsaved and that the bible is up for interpretation.

I would of liked to relate to Mary's character, unfortunately I related to Emily Faye, the unrelenting teenage girl who saw the world in two categories, the saved and the unsaved. And it was her job to go out and spread the good news and save as many people as she could. She had her Christian clique named the jewels where the girls wore gold pins to identify themselves with the group. Emily Faye, played very well by Mandy Moore, was a warrior for Christ and would do anything to save as many souls as she could through whatever means necessary. I do admit, my actions were not that of the Emily Faye's character when I was a teenager, but the way I felt about being a Christian matched up pretty much up to hers. As a teenager I did see the world made up of those who where saved and unsaved. I did not question the bible, I did not question my elders who interpreted the bible and told me what to believe and I did not think for myself. I think during that time I was unable to think for myself. Unfortunately I often opened my mouth without thinking, thus causing some damage during this time in my life.

This post is not a bash against the fundamentalist movement, it's a reflection on my journey. Part of that journey was being part of fundamental Christianity and that opened the door to my spiritual journey. I made many mistakes during that time in my life, yet I learned so much about who I am and where I want to be. And I can honestly say, yes, Jesus is my personal savior, but I look at that phrase in a different sense than I did before. One criticism I do have of the fundamental movement, only because this is what I experienced, is making Jesus modern. I've seen t-shirts that state "Jesus is my homeboy" and plugging the Christ into our world. Placing the Christ up on large screens on the stage with lights and noise. For me, this takes away the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit within. But this is my experience and my thoughts. I am not out to save anyone souls anymore. My goal is to grow the divine spark within and truly have that personal relationship without all the gimmicks. Also my hope is that I live by example more than by word.

Now when I think of the Christ, I don't think of Jesus as my pal. I reflect on the weekly mass, the reminder of the sacrifice of the Christ, coming from the divine to the human. I reflect on the sacred ritual of the Eucharist which reminds me to not view Jesus as my "homeboy", but to honor the Christ and to listen to that divine piece left behind, which for me is the Sophia (wisdom), or called by it's other name, The Holy Spirit.

These are my own thoughts and feelings about my own spiritual journey. A reflection of my travels thus far. I've come a long way from the teenager who set out to save all the souls she could to the woman who now tends to her own soul and well being. By taking care of my own plank in my own eye, then perhaps I can see the world clearly. And I still help others, but in a different way now. I help by listening and not saying a word. I help by living the best life I can and by admitting my wrongs and making amends when needed. The best way I can help is to realize that what works for me doesn't always work for another person. Everyone has their own journey they take, and although we may meet along the way, we all come into this world alone and we all leave this world alone. The nice thing is there are people or beings on each side to greet us.

Hidden Alters, Hidden Treasures

2006-12-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

I've always had difficulty maintaining an alter in my house. Part of the problem is I live with three other people and have no real privacy. One time I tried to place my alter in the living room, but everyone put their stuff on the table, keys, books and bags. So I gave up on having my spiritual space in my living room, so I tried my bedroom. There is this seat low to the ground and I thought this would be a perfect place. So I put my candles, pictures and an icon of a meditating Mary and I had my alter! Then my husband took refuge at the Buddhist temple and decided we can share the alter. So he puts a picture of Buddha in front of my carefully placed cross.

I tried to work with this arrangement, but I got tired of moving his stuff over, so I could meditate on the feminine divine, so I eventually gave up on the alter in my bedroom.

What did not occur to me during my search for an alter, a spiritual place was that I already had one. Actually I have two spiritual places for private practice. The first alter is my view of Lake Washington. Every morning after I have my coffee and breakfast of cereal or English muffin, I sit in my green rocking chair, say morning prayers, journal and then read a passage from my daily reader. What better way to seek the divine, than to gaze upon the lake. Sometimes the water is a smooth as glass, calm and still. Other times the waters are turbulent, with white caps due to the winds. In late winter and early spring eagles circle over the lake, sometimes six eagles at a time. That is a true miracle. The nice thing is I don't have to be alone to enjoy this alter, I can have a noisy house and tune out and just gaze upon the lake.

The second alter, and perhaps the most important is the one in my heart. I have finally realized that I don't need all the icons and pictures and candles in order to seek the divine spark. I only need to look within. And the wonderful aspect about the alter in my heart, is it's with me wherever I go. I don't need to wait until I get home to pray or meditate, I can do that anytime and at anyplace.

Part of seeking Gnosis, is rediscovering the divine spark that already dwells within. Sometimes I get so caught up with the outside trappings of seeking the divine, the candles, the pictures, the icons, that I do forget to look within. I also think that candles, pictures and icons is very useful in focusing the mind and spirit, but it's not always practical. I've heard it said, that it is good practice to meditate in a crowd of noisy people. That's the epitome of seeking the divine within during this temporary stay in this material world we call planet earth.

Rediscovering these hidden alters was like finding hidden treasure. I don't think my alters were not actually hiding, they were in plain site. I just was not looking. And when I decided to search for an alter, a place I could call my own for spiritual practice they were there all the time, I only needed to readjust my thinking. My old ways of thinking often get in my way of peace and serenity. A lesson that I'll learn over and over until I finally get it.

For the new year, I hope to carry the alter of the divine and let it flourish and grow no matter what I am doing, such as washing dishes, gazing out at the lake or even when I'm teaching my two and three year olds. May we all carry with us second by second the alter that dwells in our hearts.

The Storm, External and Internal

2006-12-19T21:51:00.000-08:00

The Puget Sound area is undergoing a cleansing. It began in November with the rains that flooded rivers filling streets with water. After Thanksgiving we had the snow which virtually shut down the city for almost three days, mostly due to ice. Our most recent adventure with this weather was the wind and rain storm we had almost six days ago. People, especially in the rural areas, are still without power.

Our family was one of the fortunate ones, we were without power for only two days. Plus we had enough money to go out and eat in warm places, while others dragged their camping stoves and charcoal broilers inside the house to cook food and keep warm. Now there is an epidemic of carbon monoxide poisonings. There have been twelve deaths last I heard.

I normally tend to like storms here in the Puget Sound. Because they aren't really storms, only a little wind and a little rain, nothing more. So perhaps we don't have storms, only a little rain and a little wind. In the fall and spring we will get a lot of rain that will raise the rivers, but that's normal. What has not been normal is the succession of storms.

Now I think about the internal storm that rages on occasion, inside my being, my spirit and soul. Sometimes the storm is so intense, I shut down and loose power and hibernate in order recharge, gain new perspective, cleanse the debris and eventually move on. A pattern is emerging with every advancement I take in the clergy, I go through an internal storm. Normally something external knocks me down with 60 mph winds and sideways rain, a relationship, a crisis in one of my two jobs, my health or a loved ones health in jeopardy, in other words it can be anything to set off my anxiety.

My latest storm; a clearing of debris in triangulation. Sometimes my ego amazes me, I think I can solve everyone's problems by putting myself in the middle of situations that I have no business being in. The only problem with that is if I do or say the wrong thing feelings get hurt, misunderstandings take place and the common denominator is my meddling. The same night the storm blew into town, a storm was taking place between my two jobs down in Renton. A controversy of hurt feelings and politics that reached it's peak on Thursday December 14, 2006 with both sides up in arms. And me, knowing both parties and working for both parties feeling very vulnerable and scared of loosing one or both jobs and more importantly relationships I value. So after much soul searching and looking at what my part was in all of this, I did the only sensible thing, I took myself out of the equation and set my boundaries. The reality is, I have no control over the outcome, but I do have control over my own behavior and ethics. I cannot honestly say that the triangulation tree is completely gone, however it is laying across the street in my being waiting to be chopped up and hauled away for compost.

Storms can be beneficial. Having the city shut down for a day or so gives time for rest and reflection. There is a chance to unplug from our electronics and spend time getting to know our friends and families again. The trees that fell during the storm can now make way for new growth. As for clearing the debris in my own being, I hope for that same chance to have new growth, a new attitude and perspective in this life.

New Challenges

2006-12-04T21:14:00.000-08:00

I moved up to doorkeeper yesterday and it had only been a few hours when a challenge presented itself. With this I cannot go into details due to confidentiality and the law, but lets say with some very caring and loving people combined with my training in crisis intervention there is someone who is safe, if only for a little while.

After this particular challenge I faced another crisis today, more of the emotional kind that I have trouble dealing with. But only this time it was the emotions of other people all directed at me. Let's just say I am the resident scapegoat at one of my jobs and frankly, I'm not very happy about that. The term "doorkeeper" took on a whole new meaning for me today.

I realized today that I not only hold the metaphorical keys to the chapel, but I hold the keys to myself. And I was unprepared for the onslaught of the emotions that seemed directed toward me in the class I teach at. So when I left, I thought perhaps I was safe. But not so, these emotions followed me to my second job and onto school and to home. And now I have to find a way to unburden myself of these negative feelings, only which a small portion is mine.

I have to admit, I had a small part in this emotional day, but I made my amends promptly and made a plan to fix the problem. But I still feel icky. And I realized that I have not fully let go of the things I have no control over, how other people feel and especially how other people feel about me. I am still a people pleaser, I want everyone to like me and I don't want anyone disappointed in me. A character defect that I've been working on for a long time now.

I've always had the keys to my own heart. I just haven't figured out how to lock out the negative emotions and energies of others. Perhaps the six to nine months or more as doorkeeper will help me learn how to use that key. My homeopathic doctor gave me a visualization to help me with negative people and negative emotions in my life. I picture myself standing in a river and I am a siv. As the water is rushing towards me all the negative energy and the people that bring that negative energy just washes over me. It sounds very new age, but it does help. The visualization and writing about it.

As one who is on the clergy path, I will have to deal with people in different stages of life. Some healthy and some not so healthy. The training does not only take place in the chapel or during mass or from reading and studying, though those are very important aspects of training. I believe the real test is how one deals with every day down and dirty life. For the most part my life is very good and I really appreciate the life that I live. But it's the difficult times that has shaped me where I am more able to recognize the good in my life and take the bad for what it is, temporary. And that fear is only this: False Evidence Appearing Real. With that I wish everyone shimmering lights in this season of darkness.

Movin on Up

2006-12-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday morning and I'm full of anxiety. I move up to doorkeeper. I have an hour before I need to leave to pick up a friend, then I pick up the Bishop whose in town to conduct mass and to move clergy members up to the next level. I always look forward to Bishop Hoellers visits. This last Friday I had the opportunity to have dinner with him and the other members of the Hagia Sophia Church at a very busy Thai restaurant near Seattle Center.

I'm not certain as to why I feel nervous this morning. Perhaps that is a good sign, because I'm taking my clergy duties seriously. To me this is not a hobby, but a calling, one that I denied for a very long time.

Yesterday I did something I hadn't done in a very long time. I cooked. And I enjoyed cooking. I baked banana bread and made fajitas for my family. I even set the table and we all sat down and ate dinner together. Normally we either eat whenever we feel like it and fend for ourselves. I had such a great feeling preparing a meal for my family and talking with them at the dinner table. I'm wondering if this is part of the metamorphosis that may take place as I move up to doorkeeper, or if it was only a fluke. Who knows.

As I look at the time, I realize I need to get a move on. I can't be late today.

Peace
Andrea

Intuition: It's a Good Thing

2006-11-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

Yes. I'm stealing Martha Stewart's line. But as I found out last night, intuition served me very well last night.

As many of you already know, it snowed in Western Washington. It not only snowed, there was thunder and lightening along with the snow. Once in a blue moon we get significant snow. And this phenomenon usually occurs during rush hour of course. I left work around 4pm, thinking I'd have plenty of time to make it to my house before it really started to snow and most importantly before the roads froze over. What I did not know, along with most of the drivers that night was this snow was going to freeze as soon as it hit the ground.

On my way to the freeway, I noticed a few cars already fishtailing. And they were going slow. When I turned down a tiny, small hill, another car was sliding backwards. Not a good sign. This may be a sign of things to come on my way home. So I hear this tiny voice in my head that gently suggests I pull over and walk back to work. For once I listened to this voice and I pulled over next to a building that had security cameras, plus my car was near the fire station. All good signs I thought. Being without a cell phone, I found a pay phone and called a friend at work and asked to spend the night at her house and being the wonderful person she is, said of course!

The roads seemed better after I walked back to work and of course I'm thinking to myself, "
Andrea you are such a wuss, you would of been home tonight if you stayed on the road." But I decided to just go ahead with my plan of staying in Renton. After the center closed, we went and had dinner and the roads seemed good. We weren't there five minutes, when the snow really started coming down. And it wasn't the light snow, the texture looked like tiny pellets of packing material. And when it hit the ground, it froze. The only way to get to my friends place, was down a very steep hill. She just drove very slowly and we made it. The cars going up the hill, did not fair so well. Many of them parked their cars on the side and walked home.

When we arrived at her place, we turned on the television and saw the mess on 405. The next morning we again turned on the television and the people who had left for home around 3 or 4 in the afternoon were still stuck on the freeway at 5:30 the next day. I realized if I had not listened to that small still voice, I would of been in that situation. I was incredibly grateful. I felt this was truly either divine intervention or perhaps just common sense on my part or maybe both.

Tonight I am home. The drive was still very icy, but it was better than yesterday. And the nice thing is, the place I work at is closed again tomorrow. So I have a day to enjoy the remnants of the snow and maybe watch some more snow fall.

I am very grateful for that little voice that keeps me safe and serene. It has taken me a very long time to listen to that voice. My hope that we all can listen and hear the wisdom of our inner voices.

Beta Blogger Blues

2006-11-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

I just switched from the regular blog to beta blogger. So I just want to see if my blogs actually go through. So if your reading my blog, could you send a comment so I know this is working?

Thanks
Andrea

Reflections from Within on All Souls Day

2006-11-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

Last night at Hagia Sophia a requiem mass was held in the small chaple. Pictures of passed loved ones were placed on a tiny alter with candles illuminating the images. I chose not to place any pictures on the alter this year, but rather I carried the essence of those who have gone before me in my heart. Needless to say, the spiritual power of the mass last night is still with me at 7:00 am this morning.

November is a difficult month for me. I've never been certain as to why it has been difficult. During this dark month of autumn for some unknown reason is when our appliances or cars or someone's health breaks down. Last year it was our dryer. Marsha, who was ordained last week, was kind enough to let me dry my son's socks in her dryer before his next soccer game. Two years ago our hot water heater went out, so we took cold showers, not fun for this time of year. This year I'm curious as to what will happen this month, or now that I'm onto our appliance, car, health breakdown of November, maybe nothing will happen.

This time of year is also a time when I look more inside myself. I evaluate ad nauseum if I'm where I want to be in life and make preparations, more inside my head, to change what's not working and to improve what is working. My self esteem also takes a beating this time of year. I become over critical and tend to apologize quite often to anything or anyone who will listen. I became aware of this pattern last year at this time when I recieved a not so good evaluation from one of my co-op parents at the preschool where I work. The other evaluations were fine, but it's always the one negative commnent that sticks with me. This is not uncommon, other people experience this also.

So for me, All Souls Day is not only about my loved ones who have passed on, but it's the beginning of tearing down of old habits and attitudes in my life. In a way I go through a death every time this year with parts of myself that's no longer working for me any longer. And hopefully the old parts are replaced or improved with healthier ones. Perhaps the breakdown of the appliances in this household is a metaphor of what I go through inside this time of year.

In a weird sort of way, I am grateful for this time of year. The reward after going through this process of change and metamorphasis is I become stronger and more confident with each passing year.

One change I made or actually one excersise I've taken up again is to write a gratitude list of ten things. I found this helps ease the growing pains of change. So I'll end this post with today's top ten things I'm grateful for.

I am grateful

1. That I have new tires on my car. This is a must for really rainy days here in Seattle.

2. That no appliances have broken down this third day of November.

3. That my son Paul is making breakfast for me this morning.

4. That I have a son that is willing to make breakfast for me.

5. That I am part of the Gnostic tradition.

6. That I have a wonderful groups of friends, some who are gnostic, some who are in 12 step groups, some I work with and some from childhood.

7. That for the most part, I really enjoy my life and look at each day as a gift.

8. For coffee in the morning that starts my day and the occasional glass of wine that I have with friends.

9. (The best saved for last) For a wonderful supportive family, Ken, Paul and Matt who I love dearly.

10. (The very best) And for a wonderful marriage that has blessed my life for over 20 years. And that my husband Ken, supports me in all that I do.

I wish everyone a peaceful November 2006.
Andrea

Updates Coming Soon

2006-10-29T20:44:00.000-08:00

I don't know who is reading my blog these days, but if anyone is, I will have an update soon. Right now working two jobs and going to school have taken over my life. Plus the autumn is soccer season for my son, so I'm the "gnostic soccer mom" and no, I don't drive a mini van or wear a baseball cap. Not that driving a mini van or wearing a baseball cap is bad in anyway, I just wanted to dispell the stereoptype of soccer moms. There are some soccer moms that have live's outside of their children's sports, such as myself.

Anyway, hopefully in the near future, I'll start working again on my blog.

And with that I wish you all peace and a wonderful autumn.

Paulo Freire

2006-09-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages of finally attending a University after going to community college on and off for the past 20 year, is I am finally learning something intellectual and thought provoking! And maybe I can actually begin to understand what others are talking about when they discuss certain philosophies or educators and maybe I can actually participate in the conversation! Ok so those of you have had that opportunity to attend University are probably saying, well duh. But bare with me, this is a whole new world for me. And right now, it'd be nice to attend school full time and not have to work, but there are those pesky little bills.

I read my first assignment; an article by Paulo Feire, "The "Banking" Concept of Education". In short this article is about two modes of education. The "banking concept" is where the teacher talks and it is assumed the student is empty and ignorant. It is the teachers job to fill the student up with knowledge without the student questioning any of the material. And it's the students job to listen and spit out the exact knowledge the instructor has bestowed on the student. The mode of education that Feire prefers is "problem posing". This is where there is an exchange of ideas between the teacher and student. It is not assumed the student is empty and ignorant, but instead the student has some knowledge of his/her own to share.

Part of the assigment was to post comments on a message board provided by UWB. This is not public, it's only for those in enrolled in the class. I was a little amazed that no one mentioned the Matrix Trilogy about this article. The way I viewed the article is which pill to take, the red or blue pill. So I brought up the Matrix Trilogy and I'll see if anyone responds. I was also amazed that there wasn't more debate about the article, a little, but not much. For myself, I prefer probem posing to that of the banking concept of education. Freire used the word conscious quite a few times in the article. In order to be conscious in our exsistence, it's essential to be an active participate in this life. The archons of course want us to be passive and to think we are ignorant of anything. The archons of this world would like nothing more than for all of us to be drones, going to work every day, watching television mindlessly, buying what's on the advertisments and not thinking or seeking knowledge for ourselves.

I had more to say about this article than what I said on the message board. Perhaps why there isn't more debate as of yet, is because it is our first assignment. I'm looking forward to see where this class takes me. Will this get me closer to gnosis? I can't answer that, but I know I am gaining more knowledge and I'm also gaining more self esteem in my intellect. Maybe I'm not as simple minded as I think I am. I'm looking forward to where this journey will take me.

A Spiritual Awakening (Of Sorts)

2006-09-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend of mine recently. We were discussing the path towards the priesthood. As she was talking I realized something, everything I'm doing in my career and in my schooling is preparing me for the priesthood. Now that was a rude awakening. This is a rude awakening, because during the course of my life, the thought did not even occur to me to enter holy orders. When I was involved in the mainstream churches I had no desire to go into ministry. The goal on this spiritual path was to become closer to the divine and to cultivate my own spark within. That was my only desire.

Last year I entered holy orders as a lay server. A year and a half prior I had written in my journal that I was thinking of joining the clergy, but then set the thought aside and continued in my day to day routine. When I was a laid off from a job I really enjoyed in the winter of 2005, the thought of joining the clergy came up again and I told my priest that I was thinking of joining the clergy. He seemed pleased, but for myself I needed to be cautious. I waited about eight months to actually enter service. It was important to be certain that I was joining the orders because that was the will of my Higher Power, not because my ego was bruised at being let go from a job. During those eight months I went back to school, worked as a substitue teacher and was hired as a co-op teacher. In other words I got my own life in order before I went to serve others. This seemed to be the right course of action for me at the time.

Within the year of becoming a lay server, I continued with school and taught three morning a week. I was also accepted at the UW and started a new job as a Head Start Family Advocate at 20 hours a week and moved up to cleric this last June. So when my friend was talking about the counseling aspect of becoming a priest, my brain or something showed me a slideshow of my life. I'm basically a counselor, a teacher and my coursework in school is social and educational work and I thought, "oh crap, I'm being prepared for the priesthood". Not to mention I'm also a wife, whose husband has had two open heart surgeries, a daughter caring for aging parents, a mother of two boys and I'm actively involved in a 12 step group, not to mention I'm back into counseling again. So I have the empathetic life experience and I know how to care for myself first so when I care for other's I don't get burned out as easily. Do I do this perfect all the time, of course not, it's a work in progress.

When I saw that slideshow in my brain and realized that my life experience is preparing me for the priesthood, I wanted to slam on the brakes get out of the car, close the door and leave. I can't explain why I wanted to run, I think I was overwhelmed and humbled at that exact moment. Humbled, because I know that traveling through holy orders is difficult. In my wiew point, the path to become a priest is shedding the ego. That's not the all to becoming a priest, but I think it's a big part, and sometimes I'm very attached to my ego, though it causes me many problems most of the time. So shedding the ego is really a good thing, but a difficult one at best. The best example I can come up with is the story of the Rainbow Fish. In order to be genuinely happy and joyful, he gave his shiny scales to the other fishes. Rainbow fish wasn't truely happy until he shed his ego. And he couldn't be truely trusted by the other fish until he shed his ego. Perhaps that's what it comes down to, in order to become an awsome priest, one has to shed their ego in order to be trusted. I'm not sure if that part makes sense, so I'll need some of you who read this blog to comment on this particular part.

In my previous enteries, I've described the anxiety I went through going through an experience which dealt directly with my ego. That parts that are being shed is fear, anxiety, anger and resentments. One would think that shedding those things would be freeing, but it's very painful. However, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Does that mean I'll never feel fear, anxiety, anger and resentments again, hell no, but the duration of those feelings hopefully will be less and I'll have the tools to deal with them more effectively. Those feelings are just feelings afterall.

So I guess what I'm saying is I've accepted that today, I'm in holy orders to stay. For now I just want to take it one day at a time, and one order at a time. And I'm trusting my Higher Power on this journey to guide me through the orders and through life in general on the spiritual spiral staircase.

Peace
Andrea

Forgiveness and Making Amends

2006-09-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have a question for those who read my blog and I'd like to start a discussion on this subject which has been weighing very heavily on my heart lately and something that has downright dogged me for most of my life. Is it possible to forgive someone, yet still feel anger about the wrong that was done? And how does one know when one has completely forgiven someone?

I use to think that forgivenss was freeing the other person from responsiblity from the harm they caused. Now I'm not so sure. Things that I thought I had forgiven long ago are coming back into my memory and triggering anger. I am working through this stuff, but the thing is, I want to be free from the hurt and pain. It sucks. And the one thing I know for certain is that forgivenss is more for myself than the other person. When I forgive, I set myself free and I am able to take responsibility for my own life. But, and this his a huge but, I don't put myself in the situation of being hurt again. And I try very hard not to retaliate so I won't have amends to make later on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and I have to make the amends anyways.

On the flip side of forgiveness, I've done things that I'm horribly ashamed of. And when I go to make amends, I have to be ready for the fact that person may not be able to forgive me. All I can do is to make certain that I learn from the experience and move on. Basically in my thinking forgivenss and making admends helps me to move on with my life.

Every once in a while, something triggers my memories and I'm faced with the hurt and anger again. Someone pointed out to me that it wasn't old anger I was facing, it was new anger. And it's up to me to set boundaries in order not to allow that anger to fester and flourish. So basically what I'm faced with is teasing out the old hurts from the new ones. Fortunately I have tools to deal, which I did not have years earlier.

The most important person I need to forgive is myself. It's like putting the oxygen mask on before I put it on my child in the event of a plain crash. I can't be a help to anyone else until I am as healthy as I can be, then perhaps I can make amends or forgive.

So I am asking the few who actually read my blog on occasion, to give your comments on your own experience with forgiveness or making amends. I am genuinely interested in hearing your side.

Peace
Andrea

Me and My Ego

2006-09-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've worked on this blog. Partly due to getting use to a new job, gearing up to teach my classes this year and a situation that has sent my anxiety issues out of control. And though in my head I realize the situation is not about me, the ego inside is under the illusion that if I say something brilliant, loving and compassionate the situation will resolve itself and we'd all live happily ever after. That's not reality. The reality is I have to detach from the situation and move on with my life and accept the outcome whatever it may be.

Again, I'm not going into details, because what is happening is personal. I have other means such as counseling and my support groups to sort this thing out. But I will share some of the tools I'am using to help me get past the ego, which for now is the hurt, angry child whose in a rage, in a state of anxiety and in fear; and sometimes these feelings converge into one.

I am reading this book, "Teaching on Love" by Thich Nhat Hanh, which is helping termendously. One thing I've learned, and I alreday knew this but needed reminding, is that in order to love others I have to love myself first. So one of the practices I began to combine with morning and evening prayers is simply meditating on this mantra:

May I be peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit
May I be safe and free from injury
May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety

This is helping. I don't know about other's egos, but my ego seems to hold so much anger, self pity and afflictions from the past. Sometimes it's really difficult to get out of that. When there is a trigger, I revert to being the three year old child again having a temper tantrum or the scared child not knowing what to say. I've heard it said that anger is fear vocalized. That's what happens to me.

The positive thing about all of this, is I have the opportunity to change my attitude about this angry, hurt and frightened child. The mantra I'm practicing doesn't suppress the feelings, instead it helps me free myself from feelings that could be destructive to myself and others. And I have to be realistic, I'll never be completely free of these feelings, but I can choose how to deal with them in a different manner. Will I do it perfectly, probably not, the important thing is I'am finally on the road to dealing with the feelings in a more constructive manner.

One aspect that I appreciate being on the Gnostic path is I can use other tools to help me through difficult sitations. I am beginning to understand that Buddist teachings and meditations is very helpful. Will I become a Buddhist, probably not, but I'm free to use some of their tools for meditation to improve my spiritual and emotional life. Meditation is also very good for they physical body as well. And I don't have to only use the tools for difficult situations, for me it's imperative to use them during the more joyful times in my life. One of the lessons I'm learning is that I need to keep those spiritual connections open during the good and bad times. Not only when I'm in pain.

This journey is a difficult one. "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional". Today I choose to not suffer to the best of my ability. This takes practice. I hope to one day in my life to see that every situation, even though it may seem directed at me, is not, and to learn how to detach with love, compassion and understanding.

Emotional Gnostic (Oxymoron?)

2006-08-24T17:02:00.000-07:00

Lately life has been really good to me. I was accepted to the UW and I was hired as the Family Advocate for the child care center I substitute at. My husband and I are doing well, we're walking almost every day and have wonderful talks during that time. Our son's are healthy and basically we have a good life. I am very grateful.

This last Wednesday, however, there was a shift. A situation arose, that I will not give any detail about, that sent me on this rollercoaster of emotions with a merry go round inside my head. And today is Saturday and although I get off the rollercoaster and pull out the merry go round, I get right back on and put the merry go round back inside of my head. This is getting really annoying and it's so not good for my health, physical, emotional and spiritual.

So my question, are there any emotional Gnotics out there that have a difficult time getting off the rollercoaster of conflicting feelings? And you don't have to be a Gnostic to answer this, I'm just curious how others deal with emotions. Oh and is an Emotional Gnostic an oxymoron?

On the more positive side, I've been doing my morning and evening practices every day. Sometimes I just sit in front of my alter and let the spirit fill me with tunes of Keith Green songs running through my head, though I can't seem to remember the words. And on the upside, I haven't lost any sleep, but my waking days are torture with obsessive thinking, so I'm getting myself a rubberband to snap every time I start to obsess. A slightly painful way to detach, but one that won't leave scars. I'am also getting my butt back into counseling, which is something I've been needing to do anyways, since I'm in the clergy.

Unpleasant emotions are just part of life. For me, it's the way I behave with the negative feelings that's important. It's ok to feel, feelings are just feelings, but how I let those emotions out is a different story. So my first rule is, do not hurt myself or anyone else. I do this by journaling, calling a few trusted friends and excersise always helps; which I need to do more of anyways. The other thing that helps is the slogan "this too shall pass". Both positive and negative experiences have their own lifespan and a new cycle begins.

Now some of you who may be reading this, may think I have some sort of chemical imbalance, which brings me to my next topic. Medicating feeling by food, alcohol or drugs. I've dulled my feelings by eating too much and also taking paxil to get me through a particularly emotional time in my life a few years back. Eating too much is destructive, and the weight gain is difficult to shed. The paxil, though it did help, getting off of it has serious effects of withdrawl, this is a medication I'll never go on again. So my next question is, what's wrong with feeling the feelings? Of course there are some conditions that need medications because the persons safety and the safety of others are at risk. However, stuffing or medicating the emotions is not addressing the problem. It's only putting it off until the next time a situation triggers probably a more severe response. So I choose to deal with these feelings in a safe environment of my choosing. And this entry is to perhaps analyze my emotions on a more intellectual and detached level. And also maybe to see how others deal with the negative experiences in this material world.

At one point on this emotional roller coaster I really wanted my body to have a zipper so I could unzip this mass of flesh and escape the material realm, just to get some perspective and peace. Maybe why our bodies do not come with zippers might be due to that fact that we'd all be escaping this material world. But I can get the same perspective and peace by sitting in front of my alter, breath and meditate.

So for now as I get on and off this rollercoaster, I just have to keep telling myself, "this too shall pass".

A Gnostic That Likes Color

2006-08-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

Apologies in advance to the Hagia Sophia clergy, which I'm a part of, for the following comments I'm about to make. I'm about to declare my independence about our attire aside from the vestments. I don't want to wear black anymore.

I've tried to conform, really I have, but I like color. And please forgive me, but I like pink, not a lot of pink, just a bit. And I do like some pastels, again just a dash of pastels, and yes I like to wear skirts and dresses with (gasp) floral prints. I don't want to wear black anymore, especially during these hot summer days, black attracts the heat. A nice cool blue or white does not.

I realize we don't have a written code anywhere that says I have to wear black, but the peer pressure was too great for a while. And you know me, I want to please. Especially when it's pointed out that I'm the only one wearing red. Ok I admit wearing a red shirt, blue jeans and white shoes is probabaly a faux pas on Templar Day, I promise, I'll wear black on that day. Or at least red and black. I won't wear the red, white and blue that day, I promise.

I have nothing against black. Once in a while I like to wear black; wearing black can be slimming and attractive. I just don't want to wear a black outfit every Sunday. I just need to have color. So clergy members and +Sam, I'm coming to mass in a turquoise top and tan capris with sandals this Sunday. I did buy myself a pair of black shoes to match the black cassock I wear during mass. And they aren't velcro, they have ties, so you won't see me fiddling with my shoes during the service anymore. My next purchase will be black socks so I won't have to borrow +Sams socks when I accidently wear sky blue socks on Maundy Thursday.

By the way I'll have some extra money for clothes. I just recieved a call that I have the Family Advoate position I interviewed for. And PeaceBang in case your reading this, as you can see, I probably need some fashion advice. So I'll be reading your blog "PeaceBang's beauty tips for ministers".

Andrea

Heart of a Gnostic

2006-08-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

For some odd reason, my spiritual awakenings always seem occur in the shower. I was thinking about song lyrics written by Keith Green, a Christian writer and singer who died in a plane crash in 1982, and this lead me to thinking of my own heart as a Gnostic. I'm not certain if I have this down word for word, but here it goes;

My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive for you
And dead to me

When I think of this song today, I think of the battle between my lower and higher self. My lower self is lazy and sluggish and just wants to zone out on meaningless things. My lower self also compromises who I am to please others and be accepted, the peace at any price syndrome. The higher self desires to achieve serenity and peace within. And most importantly cultivate the divine spark within, so the spark will become a flame. It's a constant battle.

After looking at Melody Green's website, "Last Day Ministries", she might be offended or concerned that I would look at this particular song with "Gnostic Eyes". I made a comment a few days ago on "A Gnostica Theolougs", that I thought Keith Green would of made an excellent Gnostic, if he had lived of course. But the reality was that Keith Green was a literalist, but a literalist with heart. And I think we could all learn something from out literalist Christian brothers and sisters. I'm not talking about the preachers that are seen on TBN or CBN, but the Christians that are out in the every day world ministering to the poor and sick. Delivering food to the hungry and having a shoulder available to cry on. And those Christians that are in search of that everlasting flame, even though we have different perspectives.

Which finally leads me to the subject of "Heart of a Gnostic". As I was taking my shower, I was thinking about my own heart and what I want it to contain. Or maybe rather, what I want to give from my heart. And the answer is love, understanding and compassion. There are times I just do not feel I have anything left to give; those are the times it's important for me to seek the divine within so I can recharge and fill up. As I was pondering over my own heart Keith Green's lyrics kept repeating, a mantra of sorts. Then the other part of the song popped into my head, the prayer part;

Oh what can be done?
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up with oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirt of love
Please wash me anew
In the wine of your love

I was reminded of the communion. The weekly Eucharist that fills our hearts and beings with divine love and more. But since communion is a personal experience I'll let you fill in your adjectives. For me it's a filling up of divine love and sometimes another layer is peeled back for a tad bit more gnosis.

Do I have to wait to soften my heart just for communion, no. As the lyrics of this song repeated as I was in the shower, my heart filled up right then and there. And I felt the warmth of the divine, or holy spirit within myself. Lately I have been critical of my fundamental or literalist Christian brothers and sisters. I have a different perspective these days, but I haven't forgotten the lessons and love I recieved during my days as a literalist. The most important lesson was to have a truely christian heart, that includes love, compassion and understanding. And to constantly seek to ignite the divine spark into a flame within myself that will be noticeable to others. For that I'm very grateful.

Peace
Andrea

Sign Posts Along the Path

2006-08-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Last night as I was channel surfing I came across a biography on Barbara Kingsolver. Since she is one of my absolute favorite authors of fiction, I put the remote on the table and settled in to see what I could learn from her. The first thing that struck me was her inner serenity. She was soft spoken, but direct in her conversation. She's one of those rare people that has a quiet forcefullness. By that I mean, she vocalizes the issues she's interested in through her writing in a quiet yet strong manner, both fiction and non fiction works. And she has an uncanny ability to see issues from different sides and make two different agrguments that make sense. You can see this talent in her novel, "Pigs in Heaven", which is the sequel to "The Bean Trees".

The first book I read of hers was "The Poisonwood Bible". At the time I had been out of the fundamental church for about six years and didn't realize I still had some healing to do. The story of the "The Poisonwood Bible" is about a family of missionary's that travel to the Congo in the early sixties to save the souls of the natives. The story is written from the children's point of view, all girls. The mother's voice is also heard, but not as often. What struck me about the story was how cruel and unreasonable Christianity can be if it is unyeilding. However, this is also a story about incredible feminine strength under impossible circumstances. Barbara Kingsolver weaves the complexity of western and African values set in the Congo that's not only a jungle with both beauty and danger, but during a time of political upheaval. The women in the story all find themselves and who they are under these circumstances and eventually abandon the Father in the Congo to save themselves, emotionally, physically and spiritually. The mother in the story has to make some impossible choices that no mother should have to.

When I first read this book, I looked upon my own spiritual journey. I never traveled to Africa, but I made a decision to leave the Fundamentalist Church, in order to save myself. I could no longer live under the restrictions and travel the narrow path that lead to a narrow mind. In previous posts I've stated it was "Mists of Avalon" that lead me to seek the feminine divine, but now upon reflection, it was "The Poisonwood Bible" that started me on this journey. At the time it was not the feminine divine I was searching for, but my own feminine strength that was revealed to me while reading this book.

In order to leave the comforts of any lifestyle that places restrictions on spirit, body and mind...that takes great strength, wheather you're a male or female. It doesn't matter if one is leaving a relationship, a religion or a town, it's still difficult to leave and find a new path or take the left side of the fork in the road instead of taking the right. Or visa versa. Now that I've been on the Gnostic Path for the last few years, I look at my spiritual path as a continuation of the journey, with rests inbetween. I admit that I did find joy as a fundamentalist Christian and there were times I felt God's love. And if I hadn't accepted Christ at the age of fifteen, I'm not sure where I'd be today. That part of the journey grounded me. But as I got older, I needed something more of substance and more serenity to feed my soul.

Reading Barbara Kingsolver's novels were the road signs along the way that lead me to the Gnostic Path. I see that now. Back then, I wasn't quite certain where I was traveling spiritually. All I knew was I just needed to keep walking, sometimes crawling towards the next part of the journey. I almost typed in destniation, but I don't think this path has an end. Even upon death, the path continues, destination unknown. Which I'll end this entry with a poem I wrote last year.

A Heretics Revelation

I feel a celebration in my spirit. Souls gather round, dancing until beings reach the first aeon. The dancing stops and the souls stand still, in perfect silence of this ethereal region, with lights of unknown colors beaming down on the multitude. A beating of what sounds like a djembe fills the quiet. Beating unitl my heart match's its rhythm. Souls ascend one by one with unfamiliar wings, filling empty spaces. From below I hear the drones as all other dimensions screams with fury. And I, only an observer, to witness this peculiar scene, hoping that I too might feel the lifting of my sould traveling through the mist of unknown colors through each aeon, thirteen in all. An invisible cord, warm and golden to the touch, coils around my being carrying me through the heavens. My spirit ubiquitious fills the vastness. I choose to trust the unknown.

By

Andrea Turner

This Moment

2006-08-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

Many events have taken place or are taking place on this planet. After making my coffee and pouring myself a bowl of cereal, I turned on the news to see what was happening. To my suprise, and also to the suprise of others, another terrorist plot was foiled. I'm not certain about the details, and don't really want to get into them, but all I know is our nation is on orange alert and flights from abroad are on red alert. I decided to turn off the television and take some time to let this sink in. And my only conclusion is this moment is all I have. The present.

I am a crisis and drama junkie. This is something I'm trying to change about myself. I'm not certain if it's a Piscies trait or not. Last year when I was working at a childcare center, we had police activity with guns near the playground, so our center was in lockdown. I forced myself to stay in the classroom with the other children and play with them and not go around to see what was happening. I figured as long as the curtains were closed and I kept a calm manner, events would eventually work themselves out and they did. However, the toddler teacher who is also a Piscies was running around the center trying to get information and was really into the drama. She was in completely different circumstances, while my kids were peacefully napping, she had her toddlers outside on the playground when the police suddenly stopped in front of the center, pulled their guns on suspects and she had to not only quickly get the children inside, she also had to deal with hysterical student teacher and an assistant. If I was in that situation, I would of been all into the drama also.

How am I trying to change from crisis junkie, to one that lives in the moment? One by turning off the television. I've noticed that the news goes on and on about whatever crisis we're in. And if we're not in a crisis, they spend two hours covering the same stories along with weather and traffic. The other way is to focus on this present moment. This is all I have, the now. Yes there are horrible events unfolding in the world; Israel and Lebanon, the shootings at the Jewish Federal building, the ongoing war in Iraq and now another new terrorist plot involving flights. My prayers are with all those involved. But this doesn't mean I need to live in dread and fear. In this present moment, my life is pretty great. And learning to appreciate this moment will help when events really do become tough.

One of my character defects is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not being able to stay in the present, because something horrible was going to happen or I wasn't looking forward to a task that needed to be done the next day. On weekends I couldn't enjoy myself, because I kept thinking about what was facing me Monday morning. This is certainly no way to live. Living in fear of the future is what leads to health problems due to anxiety and stress. I finally realized if I kept living this way, I'd eventually end up with stress related illnesses. There were some things I could change in my life and I did. The first step was to leave the job that stressed me out. And I came up with a matra or motto for myself, "If I don't like who I am in a job, relationship or whatever I'm doing, it is time to change". So far that's been working for me. The other thing I can change is my actions that triggers my anxieties and my crisis junkie tendencies. I can turn off the television. I can meditate. I can take walks and excersise. I'm also taking biofeedback, which has been helping. There are tools I can use. And most importantly to conciously live in the present. Not in the past or future.

My goal is to eventually live a low stress life within myself. Of course there will be pressures and of course there will always be some stress. But I want to enjoy my life now and appreicate the wonderful simple gifts that are before me; watching the eagles soar over Lake Washington in the mornings, writing and reading and the many fantastic friendships I have along with my family. These are the moments I intend to enjoy.

Rainbow Fish: A Story About Sharing or A Story About Conforming? You Decide.

2006-08-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about a conversation I had with one of my preschool parents about a book, "Rainbow Fish". For those of you who don't know what the story is about, I'll give a quick overview.

"Rainbow Fish" is about this fish with colorful shiny scales. He's a rather vain fish. When another fish asks for one of his scales Rainbow Fish refuses, so the other fishes ignore him. And of course Rainbow Fish is hurt. Well this fish goes to the wise octupus, the octupus tells him to give his shiny scales away and he will be happy. At first Rainbow Fish is shocked by this idea, but when the little fish again asks for one of his shiny scales he does so, thus making himself happy. So he gives all his scales away except for one. And the little fishies live happily forever frolicking in the water.

So I was telling this parent that I was thinking about having the children act out this book for our Fine Arts Night that the preschool does every April. Last year it was "Brown Bear", so I'm getting a bit more ambitious. She looked at me very somberly and said that she see's things differently from other people and she didn't see the story as one of sharing. She viewed the story as giving pieces of self away. The message is that in order to be happy, we have to physically remove something from ourselves and give it to others. In other words give up who we are in order to be happy, but most importantly to please others. She also added that this was a form of conforming and looking like the others. The story takes away diversity. I told her I never thought of the story that way, but I thanked her for sharing her view with me. And that I would consider doing another skit from a children's book, but didn't make any promises.

So what does this have to do with gnosis? I'm not really certain at this point. But I knew I could learn something from this parent and I saw her point quite clearly. In order for the Rainbow Fish to have friends, he had to physically tear something from his very being to fit in with the crowd. I know I've given up who I am to try and attempt to be accepted. But it never worked, I still felt like a fraud. It wasn't until I accepted myself, shiny scales and dull scales, until I felt comfortable around others. And I don't have to give any piece of myself to feel accepted, because acceptance is an inside job.

Now my dilemna is do I still read "Rainbow Fish" when I return to teaching this fall. The children absolutely love the story. I'm also still pondering if I should have that as our play for the Fine Arts Night. There is still time to decide.

On another note, along the lines of books, I'm just beginning to write one. But it's a children's book about the myth of Sophia. It's in the infant stage, by that I mean the idea is in my journal which also includes my poetry and other short stories. I hope to have my son, Paul, illustrate the pictures, if he has time of course. This idea has been on my mind for quite some time, writing a children's book about the myth of Sophia.

I'm trying to have no illusions about such a project. It's a huge undertaking, trying to find the words and images a child would understand. But what I'm finding is as I'm writing the very rough draft by hand, the ideas just seem to flow. Then I stop for a few days, until more ideas take hold and I write again. It's an interesting process. I've decided to enjoy where the journey takes me on this writing endeavor while continuing with my day to day life.

Before I end this entry, I'd like to know what you think about the children's books that are out there. I'm really interested in hearing from any Gnostic parents. I'd also like to know what you thought of certain children's books as you were growing up. And if you have any reccomendations on any books I can introduce to my two year old class and three year old class, I'm listening.

When Dreams Become Reality

2006-07-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

In front of me I have an acceptance letter from the University of Washington. Before opening the letter, I imagined how I might feel if it was a rejection letter. Would it be the end of the world? Probably not, I'd just either have to find a different school or take some classes over again. But as I unfolded the letter and gazed at the word, Congratulations, I breathed a sigh of relief. After twenty years of going to city and community colleges off and on while raising my children and working the various low paying jobs to help support our family, I made it into a University at the age of 43. Now I have a lump in my throat and my eyes are tearing up and feelings of being overwhelmed invade my mind. The next goal is to graduate with a BA from the University, hopefully in less than twenty years.

This has been a dream of mine for so long that I never thought this would actually happen. And now it's here. What happens when both waking and sleeping dreams become reality? Go onto the next goal, or relish the moment. My first instict was to call the number and get my new student orientation scheduled, but I decided to process all of this first by writing in my blog. It's a good place to process.

This brings me to a subject of what happens when sleeping dreams become reality. I've had one actually become reality, but the reality occurred first then I had the dream. I probably have had more, but this is the one of the few that I can consiously remember.

Shortly after joining EG, about three and half years ago, I was struggling with the clash between mainstream faith and the esoteric. I knew deep down to the core of my soul, that I was in the right place. I had never felt so much at home and accepted as I was at Hagia Sophia, but that critical part of me kept on nagging. I knew it was due to years I spent as a fundamental christian and I just needed to ride that wave of conflict. That's what I did.

I can't remember the time period, but about a month or two of attending Hagia Sophia, I had one of those intense spiritual dreams that confirmed I was on the right track. In the dream I was standing at the entrance of a room that was sunken. Inside the room people were singing praises to God and raising their hands; something you'd see if you turned on Trinity Broadcasting Network. The feeling I had in the dream was I'm not part of this anymore. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and there standing behind me was Jesus. I turned around and looked at him and all he said was "You don't need this anymore", and he pointed to the people in the room praising God. I woke up and all I could think was "Wow".

I've had other dreams that have confirmed this path I'm on, but those are not to share at this time. And not all dreams are to be shared. For some reason I felt a strong urge to share this one. When I recieved the letter, it just seemed like a good time to write about the dreams in my life that have become reality. The main thing about dreams, is not just to dream, but to take those baby steps to make those dreams reality. Even if it takes twenty years to do so. And more importantly to enjoy the journey along the way. For me it's not about reaching the goal but experiencing the process, and learning from both the positive and negative aspects of such a journey weather it's a spiritual one or a worldly one.

May all of our more positive dreams become reality. Because if you think about it, not all dreams should become reality, espeically the ones with the monsters under the bed.

In Search of My Inner Magdalene

2006-07-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

For my 40th birthday, three years ago, I bought myself a statue of Mary. This icon was different than anything I'd seen and have yet to seen one since. Mary is sitting in the lotus position, meditating. There was a similar one of a Meditating Jesus, but since I was trying to connect with the feminine divine, I purchased the Meditating Mary instead.

July 22nd is Mary Magdalene Feast Day. Hagia Sophia will honor the Magdalene during mass this Sunday, then afterwards we'll celebrate with French quisine. For myself, I enjoy this time of year. After participating in a fundamental christianity for a number of years, I found myself craving for a path more intuned to women, not only as helpmates, but a path that honored women to empower themselves spiritually. I also wanted a good balance of the male/feminine divine; EG seems to do a wonderful job with that balance.

As a mainstream christian, or actually as a fundamental christian, no attention was paid to the feminine divine. In fact the word feminism might as well have been considered a four letter word and not an eight letter word. Women were considered the helpmates of the husbands and subordinate beings, not equals. The clergy and deacons were all male, the only position of authority women held was that of Sunday School Teachers or hospitality. The bible studies we held focused primarily on how to be a better wife, mother or daughter...we never talked about empowering ourselves. Just those around us. This is part of my history in my spiritual journey, and I pretended to buy into it. But something hidden way down deep kept telling me this is not the whole story. That I was so much more than someone's wife, someone's mother or someone's daughter.

Throughout the ages, the myth of the Magdalene has been that of a whore who was redeemed. Other myths include Jesus casting out demons from Mary Magdalene, and now in recent years she is said to be Jesus's wife. As a child I was confused to which Mary was which, I didn't know if Mary was the same as the woman with the albaster jar. Was Mary Magdalene related to Martha and Lazuras? I knew the virgin Mary was different from Mary Magdalene, that was obvious. There is a cloak of mystery that surrounds Mary Magdalene, and perhaps that's how it should be.

Now I ask myself, was there a historical Mary Magdalene. Did she exisist at all? Is she a combination of several women who followed different spiritual paths? I realize there are several different books written about Mary Magdalene and there is a website dedicated to Mary Magdalene, www.magdalene.org maintained by Lesa Bellevie who also wrote "The Complete Idiots Guide to Mary Magdalene". So all the information I ever want to know about Mary Magdalene is a click away or at my local bookstore, but sometimes it's just interesting to ask the questions and speculate before doing study and research. And for myself, I have a need to explore the feminine divine not only through books and internet research, but most importantly within myself.

As I wrote before, I spent most of my life learning to be a good wife, good mother and good daughter according to mainstream christian system. But I never thought to look within myself for the good that has always exsisted, I was striving to be better on the outside, to look good for other's but never look for the good within, until recently.

Perhaps what I'm really looking for is my inner Mary Magdalene, who represents part of the many facets of the feminine divine. That divine spark within which has been ignored all of these years on my spiritual journey. So during this time in my life I give myself permission to be selfish and ignite the spark within so it can become a flame. And hopefully keep that flame going so it'll never burn out.

In honor of the Magdalene, raise your glasses and toast to the feminine divine! And to keep the divine spark within to glow in our hearts.

Happy Mary Magdalene Feast Day!

Thoughts on Living in the Present and Taxes

2006-07-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Jesus said: I tell my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. He said: There was a rich man who had much money, and who said: I will use my money that I may sow and reap and plant and fill my storehouses with fruit so that I lack nothing. This was what he thought in his heart. And that night he died. Whoever has ears, let him hear. From the Gospel according to St. Thomas.

It's often said if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

The theme of living in the moment is ever present these days. Well, that's all there is, is this exact moment. Something I'm reminded of again and again, because I keep thinking of the future and what I'm going to do next. Such as earning that BA to get a better job with more pay.

Along with most American middle class famlies we struggle financially. So I'm in the midst of trying to get a second part time job as a family advocate for Head Start. I'm under the illusion, if we can make more money we can get out of debt and we can save money and like the rich man in the Gospel of Thomas, we'd lack nothing. I'm not talking about keeping up with the Jone's or the Smith's or whoever, I just don't want to be indebted to corporations and the government any longer. And I don't want to be a slave to stuff. The reality is, if I die tomorrow or tonight, I won't give a damn about our debt, becasue, hopefully I'll be free from the material world. Hmm.. that sounds like a world hating dualist. No wonder gnostics are accused of being world hating dualist, especially when I post something like this.

Anyway my husband and I both recieved certified letters from the IRS yesterday. We're still working on paying 2004 taxes and since we ignored 2005 taxes, they wanted all of their money NOW! Oh no problem, we'll just pick that money right from the tree in the back! Ok, our part, we ignored 2005 taxes. Kind of like if we ignore the taxes, they don't exsist. (putting fingers in ears with eyes closed yelling...lalalalala...I don't hear or see you) Well it's funny how the government and corporations just seem to find you and remind you of how much money you owe if you don't pay. And we were reminded.

Interesting thing is, my husband called the IRS today and they said we can continue to make payments and they'll just tack on 2005 taxes to 2004's and keep charging us interest and penalty fees until it's all paid off. Thus as to why I'm looking for a second part time job, so we can pay off our debt sooner. So yes, I'm making plans and doing the footwork.

It's ok to make plans, but I need to remember to live in the present moment. In the now, I'm enjoying not working this summer. I can sleep in, work in my yard, write on my blog and basically just be. The key, is to let go of the outcome and to be open to other options. The last time I counted on a job, I was laid off. This taught me to be flexible and to be open. Ususally when my plans fall through, there is something so much better waiting. I just need to open my eyes and open my heart and recieve it.

Facing the Fear of Math

2006-07-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

After much research on the internet, articles and books I've finally narrowed down my math project. But it still seems too broad, so any suggestions or direction I can receive would be most helpful.

I've decided to write my paper on Pythagoras and his influence on culture and religions. I also discovered through Wikipedia that the Pythagoras therom was first discovered in Baudhayana Sutras, I believe some 300 years before Pythagoras. And there are acutal equations using Pythagoras therom for alter contruction, which I found quite fascinating.

Why I'm writing about the particular project on this blog has to do with my fear of math, especially geometry. I realize I'm not the only one who struggles in this area, there are pleanty of people like myself. I've heard it said many times the only way past fear is through it. As a young college student in my early 20's I actually had a math teacher who said he'd pass me, if I promised never to take math again. I did promise, but of course did not keep that promise. Ever since that moment I've felt like a negative infinity when it comes to math. But since I'd like to get my BA before I'm fifty, I have to take math. So I'm walking through my fear and hope to make it to the other side with at least a 2.5.

So it's quite daunting for me not to only work out equations and word problems, but to actually write and explain anything mathematical in a paper and to present this paper to the class. Luckily for me the class I'm taking is for students who are liberal arts and fine arts majors, so maybe I can B.S my way through it? Then again the math instructor knows B.S when she see's it probably. In this class we're also required to do either a power point, overhead or poster board presentaion; along with hand outs for the other classmates. Since I work as a preschool teacher maybe I can do flannel board presentations with a cut out Pythagoras and his therom? Then again maybe not.

I welcome any comments or suggestion that might help me in this endevor. And I will have updates as I progress with this project along with whatever else I write here.

Peace
Andrea

Dance Monkeys Dance

2006-07-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Check out the following link. It's funny and thought provoking.

http://www.slick.com/dmd/dancemonkeysdance.htm

Some Thoughts on Toilet Training and Gnosis

2006-07-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

I just looked at the pooping video from those wacky Japanese! A suggestion from Jeremy Puma's site, fantastic planet. I commented my thoughts about gadgets in the bathroom and found I had more to say, so I'll say it here.

The video made me think about the positive and negative effects of material rewards for children. In the Japanese video, I really liked the cartoon. It gave a clear depiction of what it might feel like if one had to poop, especially for a young child. And it showed the child running to the bathroom and the parents encouraging the child with a song. Also very genius. Children need all the encouragement they can get. However, the toilet talked and the poop had a personality. Also at the end of the video it showed a real child going to the bathroom with a musical box up above the toilet paper roll. I do like the toilet seat with handle on it. That would make the child feel safe and secure. So there are some good gadgets that can be useful. But most children I know, would be very disturbed if they thought their poop had a personality and if the toilet talked to them. Also the reality is, confetti does not automatically come down from the ceiling every time someone poops. And it's a mix bag with musical toilet gadgets. Some children really love them, some children are very frighten of them. In my opinion, if I were to do it all over again ( and I'm not!) I'd edit the cartoon, the toilet remains silent and the poop will not have a face and I'd do away with the confetti ball. I'd probably also do away with the musical box, because eventually natural bodily functions come naturally. And a child at some point needs to learn that some bodily functions do not have a parade. I encourage parents to say things like "you did it" and give the high fives and maybe stay with the child during their first or second poop, but that's really all the child needs.

The real reward for a child comes from within themselves. When a child can feel proud of themselves and feel a sense of accomplishment and a parent or teacher can validate that sense of accomplishment. And of course this applies to more areas than potty training, it applies when a child shows a picture, even if it's only colorful scribbles, or builds with blocks for the first time.

What I'm saying is material rewards have their place, but there is nothing like a smile on a child's face when parents and teachers give them verbal and non verbal acknowledgements of a child's accomplishments. In my experience what children crave most is not the latest gadget, but time and attention from the adults in their lives.

Now what does this have to do with gnosis or seeking gnosis. Gnosis, for me, is within myself that I'm just now beginning to understand. Of course I buy material items such as books and attend mass as clergy to help me in my spiritual practice, but eventually I'll find gnosis only from within. And when I finally understand and get that aha, I doubt a confetti ball will automatically appear. Maybe a burst of light, but not a confetti ball. If adults can guide their children to look within and not outwards, I wonder what would happen. It's a challenge for adults to look within for and not outward for rewards, but if we all learned this at an early age, think of the understanding we might have now.

These are just some things to think about. It may seem ridiculous to compare gnosis and toilet training, but on the other hand knowledge can appear in the most unlikely places.

How I Became a Gnostic

2006-07-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

When I sit down to write an entry for this blog, I share from my own experience, strength and hope. Basically this blog is intended with the slogan "take what you like and leave the rest". That said I'd like to share my own experience of being involved in the gnostic community in Seattle, WA.
Most of my life I've searched for a meaningful spiritual path. After being a fundamentalist christian off and on for approximately sixteen years, I quit searching for a very long time. It wasn't until I read "Mists of Avalon" that I started my search again. I remember thinking thats what has been missing in all the years of being a fundy was the prescence of the divine feminine. Then a few months later I read "Dance of the Dissedent Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd. This was her biography of her journey from fundamental christianity to searching for the feminine divine. Our experiences were different, but the search was the same.
A short time after that I was reading an article about mystic christianity and came across the word gnostic. I admit at the time, I wasn't searching for gnosis, I was searching for a spiritual community that I could keep my christian roots, yet continue my journey towards the feminine divine. Then I read that the Holy Spirit is perceived as feminine; this of course intrigued me. In the fundy churches we never discussed the gender of the Holy Spirit. This lead to an internet search and the internet search lead me to Hagia Sophia here in Seattle, Wa.
I remember thinking during the gnostic mass that this seemed like home to me. I'm not an intellectual and I tend to go by my intuition and feelings more than my head. And I wasn't searching for gnosis at the time, only a sense of community and spiritual practice.
It took me about a month of prayer and meditation to figure out if the gnostic community was for me. I realized that even though I was very ignorant of what gnosis meant at the time, this was a good place for me to learn. Also when I was baptized and confirmed, I had no desire to enter the clergy, that came much later. All I wanted was to be part of a community.
This is the first place in all my years of going to church off and on that I feel genuinely at home. The one aspect that I really appreciate is that I don't have to change who I am. I am challenged to learn and grow spiritually, but I keep my individuality. I'm also challenged to pronounce latin words correctly, which is another blog in itself.
This is just a short history of how I became a gnostic. Like I said, when I write this blog, it's from my own experience, strength and hope. I think of this blog as a cozy living room, with comfortable chairs and in the summer with gallons of ice tea, or sangrias, or beverage of choice exchanging ideas and experiences. In the winter there'd be a fire blazing with hot beverages.
You are invited to share of your own spiritual journey.

Peace
Andrea

A Call for Help with Math Project

2006-07-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm asking any math people who also happen to be gnostics or at least interested in gnostism to point me in the direction of resources I can find on geometry and gnostics, or even geometry and mystism, culture or religion. Basically what I'm looking for, as my son pointed out, resources on sacred geometry. Something I can understand, like "Sacred Geometry for Dummies".
I also need resources with calculations and equations, since this is a paper for my math class. I am conducting an internet search, but I'm not sure what's solid information yet or just plain new age nonsense.
Any help would be very much appreciated. This is a subject that's been lingering around in my mind, but I never had anytime to conduct any research on it. So I thought I can write a paper on sacred geometry for my math class. For now I'm not certain where I'm going with this subject. I'm in the collecting information mode, then I'll sort out which path the paper will take.

Peace
Andrea

Wake Up Call

2006-07-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while as I make my way up the spiral path of this journey, thinking I'm doing alright and have my life in order...I get a wake up call, because basically I'm sleep walking. This time my wake up call had to do with self care. I've always been under the illusion that I'm a care taker of everyone else's needs. My husband has had two open heart surgeries, my dad is still struggling with his health and I help my mom twice a month with errands; so it's my job to take care of them, work, go to school, attend al-anon and continue in the clergy. And I thought I finally managed to juggle all these balls in the air and keep my sanity. However, I forgot about my own physical health. Yesterday I went to the E.R. and was admitted to the hospital for overnight observation. I was discharged early this afternoon and find myself in the position of having to take futher tests. I don't really want to go into the details, but the way I see it, this is all due to a lack of self care. Not getting enough sleep, definetly not eating well and running on the treadmill with the mantra of "I'm fine". Fine is really an acronymn for "fucked" (pardon the language), "insecure", "neurotic" and (in my case) "exhausted". The "e" means something else, but "exhausted" will work here.
So after a three hour nap, I find myself examining my life and what boundries I need to set. And I hate, I mean really hate setting boundries. And what my priorities are on this journey. For now my number one priority is to be healthy spiritually, mentally and physically.
Anyway, I hope to heed to this wake up call and learn to ask for help.

THINK

2006-06-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night I went to my 12-step meeting. The topic was on step 10, "Continued to take a persoanl inventory and when wrong promptly admit it". Then the chair person read about the acroynym THINK. Before I say ANYTHING is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intellegent, Necessary or Kind. I admit, I don't always THINK before opening my mouth and find I have to make a prompt amends on the spot. I'm working on changing this behavior.
When I first entered my 12-step progam eight years ago, I was a "slogan phobe". I never did like all the cliches and thought they were too simple. But as I've grown in the program and in my other endevors on this path I find the slogans are actually quite helpful. When working on my math, which I've mentioned before is a struggle, "easy does it" comes to mind. If I want to throw the math book out the window along with the expensive graphing calculator I realize it's time to quit and take it easy.
The first slogan that helped me in the beginning was "How important is it?" Eight years ago, everything seemed important and I was pulled in every different direction possible. I never thought of what I said and what the consequences were. I'd wake up every morning overwhelmed with the tasks of everyday life and didn't know how to sort things by prioirty. When I read about "How important is it?", I realized that a lot of things I stressed about weren't that important and most of the time that thing had nothing to do with me. Then I learned how to sort out what was important in my life, such as my well being, am I happy joyous and free today? How is my relationship with higher power these days, am I doing it all on my own or am I asking for help and guidance. Is my relationship with my family on the right track. Are there any amends I need to make or help I need to ask them for. So basically what's important in my life is my well being, my connection with higher power and my relationships with family and friends. All the rest will fall into place.
For me, the most simple slogans are the wisest and most practical. The slogans ground me and help me sort out my day and help me with my long term goals. And it my day to day life I hope to always THINK before saying or even typing anything on this blog.

A Good Book

2006-06-24T10:03:00.001-07:00

I have some time off from work, so I've been catching up on my studies for the clergy in Ecclesia Gnostica. The latest book I'm reading is Carl Jung's "Memories, Dreams, Reflections". When I first picked up this book, I thought this would be more of a technical book on psychology and the unconscious. After reading the introduction I realized it was Jung's autobiography; which many of you already knew. I just never bothered to ask.
Reading Jung's autobiography is almost like he's in the same room with me telling me his life story. I can visualize this man, eighty, smoking his pipe and relating verbally in his Swiss accent his adventures as a child, his dreams and his practice as a new psychoanalyst. I feel as if I'm not in my own home in Kenmore, Washington reading Jung's book, but rather I'm transported overlooking the Swiss Alps sitting on the porch of a hotel listening to Jung and watching him rock back and forth in one of those outdoor white rocking chairs. The rhythm of his words match that to the rocking in his chair. When I sit down to read, I loose all track of time and forget that I have other obligations such as math homework, laundry, filling out my application for UW and gardening. But I think that sometimes reading a good book is more important than all the other obligations that never end.
What I appreciate most about Jung in his autobiography, is he not only shares his successes, but also his failures and struggles. From my view, I've learned the most from my failures and struggles, than my successes. For example, I recieved a 2.7 in my last math class. I've learned more from that math class, then I did with the 4.0 I earn in English. It's because I had to struggle for a 2.7 in math. I don't have to struggle in English, Humanities or Social Sciences. Those subjects come easy to me. I think it's in our struggles we learn to appreicate our successes even more.
For me one of the many lessons I've learned on my short time here is that there will be struggles, but it's my choice weather or not I suffer through my struggles. And the only out from hard times, is through.
I appreciate having the summer off from work. One of the perks of being a teacher. And for now it's just nice to have time to read a good book in the summertime.

Journey Through the Thresholds of Life

2006-06-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had more time to write poetry. Rough drafts that I haven't had time to go over. But common themes and words keep coming across my writing. The first word is "threshold". I'm one to linger in the threshold before I journey down the hallway. When I finally do attempt to leave the threshold, such as finally taking all my classes at a community college so I can go to a University, I find myself lingering at yet another threshold. It took me twenty years of going to school off and on to get my two years of coursework in. This is what I mean about lingering at the threshold for so long. Now I'm in the process of getting transripts together to enter University of Washington in Bothell. I feel it's a small miricle to have made it this far.
The other threshold I see is not with myself, but with my son Paul He graduated from Inglemoore High School last night in a class of 580 students! Watching him embark on adulthood and letting him go is hard. Even though he'll still live at home with us while he's in school, there is a subtle change in this parent child relationship. I realized to my shock he's not a little boy, but a man now. I guess for me this is a threshold of sorts, I get to let go of my son to go on his journey in his life. And this is a big change. A milestone.
The other word that keeps popping up in my poetry is spiral. I've written before that I think of this journey in both this physical and spiritual life not as a straight and narrow path, but rather as a spiral that leads upwards, but you just never know whats around the bend of this circular journey. And at the end of each accomplishment or goal, there is yet another threshold and a new goal to achieve. But I think the trick is not looking at the next threshold or the future, but rather accomplish what's one needs to in the here and now before moving onto the next thing. For example, when I garden if I look at the whole yard I become overwhelmed and just walk away. But if I work on one flower bed at a time, then it's much easier to accomplish the task. Living in the moment and keeping it simple.
The last word, is Eagle. I think this has to do with the fact I can see Eagles fly over Lake Washington every morning when I look outside in the morning. One time while driving on Bothell Way I saw an Eagle fly overhead with a fish in it's talons. The Eagles I see seem to signify strength and courage for me. And also hope, because as a young girl living around here in the 70's we saw no Eagles at all. And now the population seems to be growing again.
As usually, I'm not sure where I am going with this bit in my blog. Perhaps just reflection on my part before I embark on yet another journey in this spiral path.

Simple Mind

2006-05-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

My confession. I have a simple mind. That's not the same thing as being mindless, my mind is just simple. Sometimes I feel this is in stark contrast to the gnostic path I chose. I'm surrounded by people who seem so far ahead of me that I fear I'll never catch up with them. But then I remember this path is not a race, it's a journey. And I tend to walk at a turtles pace mulling over what I'm learning and how I can apply new found knowledge to my day to day life.
Awareness of my simple mind came to me when I first entered the clergy. When I was on the Epistle side of the chapel, the intellectual side, it was difficult for me stand there. My knees would shake, heart palpatated, and sweat poured down my body. At one point I almost fainted, but we of simple minds have strong wills and I managed to hang on during the service. The first time I was on the gosple side, the emotional side, it was a relief. I'm much better equipped to deal with emotions than intellect. I do tend to live my life more from the heart than the mind. At times I wonder if there is an imbalance there. And I hope that the Epistle side is the intellectual side and the Gosple side is the emotional one. I tend to mix these things up.
The reason for writing about having a simple mind, I just read some gnostic blogs, that seemed really over my head. I won't go into the blogs I was reading, but the awarenss grew more in me. Am I embarrassed to have simple mind and not an intellectual one? Most of the time no. But there are those periods in my life I just smile and nod and act as if I know what people are talking about and actually have no clue and then I tune them out and think about the preschool project I need to prepare the next day. My profession keeps my mind at a childlike level.
So where am I going with this? I'm not sure. For now I'm at the awarenss stage going into acceptance. Then perhaps I'll take action by study, meditation and prayer. And keep reminding myself this is a journey and not a race.

Life Happens; Again and Again

2006-04-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

This has been an interesting Lent and Easter season. Just when I thought our family was just about to make it through spring break with no major crisis, we get blind sided; again. As my son, mother and I waited at Ivar Restaurant, the fancy one on Lake Union, for my husband and younger son to arrive the hostess walks up to our table and asks me if I'm Andrea. I replied yes, because of course that is my name afterall. She tells me I have a phone call. Thinking this cannot be a crisis, that perhaps my husband got lost and decided to go home, I deny there is anything wrong. When I pick up the phone and hear the tone of his voice, I am bolted out of my denial and listen to his story. He calls from the ER and apparently a dog ran out in front of his car and there was no time for him to stop, so he hits the dog. Please keep in mind that the road he was traveling on, Lake City Way, is a very busy highway and slamming on the breaks on this road would cause an accident. So my husband, being the kind and compassionate person he is, stops the car and tries to help the dog. He picks up this dog, and the dog bites him on the chin taking out a big chunk of skin. By this time some women call for help and the police and firefighter arrive. My husband is quite upset, not about his injury, but that he accidently hit the dog. The firefighters manage to take the dog to the emergency animal ER and my husband is able to drive himself to the hospital. Needless to say, I chose to be with my husband and did not attend Holy Saturday Service for the Easter Season.
I think part of being a Gnostic, is to know when to be there for friends and family. For me it's not all about searching for gnosis, it's also about love and compassion for others. I am not speaking from anything I read or meditations I've had, this is just good old fashion experience I've learned from my own life. Sometimes it's obvious when to be there for others, when a loved one is ill or hurt. Other times it's not so obvious.
I have a very busy life. Clergy, recovery program, work and school take up lots of time. Not to mention I care for my mother and father with their needs. So my family gets very little time with me. I also get very little time to myself. So is part of gnosis just common sense? Is part of gnosis realizing what needs to be prioritized and what needs to be left undone? When I look at my current life, it's very scattered and not very organzied. My husband's experience is making me look at how I choose to spend my time.
I have no answers yet. I could go on and on about how I can choose to spend my time better. But that's just rambling. Right now I am aware. Next is acceptance, then action. So for now I sit in awareness.
As far as my husband injuries go, he sees a plastic sugeon next week. We'll know more then if he'll need a skin graft or not.

Open Mind, Open Heart

2006-04-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

It's Holy Week. I've had little time to reflect on what this week means to me the year of 2006. Even with time off, I've been extremely busy; helping both of my parents, keeping up with my math class and getting things done for a retreat end of April. Any time I do get, I just want to lounge around and not do much except watch television and generally zone out.
Three years ago was the first time I really paid any attention to Holy Week. I remember I was on a "spiritual high" because I committed myself to Gnostism. I was on a path I searched for my entire life. During that time my husband and I were both baptized on Holy Saturday, it was a wonderful time of new beginnings.
I still look forward to Holy Week, though I'm not on that spiritual high any longer. The feeling is deeper and more reverent, but mixed in with daily life. I had hoped to have more time to pray, meditate and read during this week, but all I do is run around getting "things" done. Today on Good Friday, is the first afternoon I've been home. I still have "things" to do, but I realize it's more important to really focus on what this day means.
Way back when, Good Friday use to mean contemplating on what Christ went through on the cross, to focus on his pain and suffering for us. Now I contemplate the mystery and other mystery religions with the dying and resurrecting "God Men" of other religions. With the gosple of Judas now all over the media, Good Friday has taken on a new meaning. For some it's denial that this gosple is authentic and for others it's proof of what was already speculated; that Judas was the most devoted disciple and that Jesus asked Judas to betray him. I admit, I don't know the truth, but it's important to keep an open mind.
And so for this Holy Week of 2006, I think to keep an open mind and an open heart is important. Though it would be nice to have more time during Holy Week, I think for now the best I can do is keep and open mind and heart during this time and during the rest of the year. And that's what I intend to do.

More on Living

2006-04-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

I met with some friend yesterday morning and the discussion drifted towards the subject of "living" or "surviving". We all agreed that most of us were in survival mode and not living mode. Now what does that exactly mean? I don't have clinical definition, but I can write what this means to me.
To survive is only exsisting. Staying under the radar and hope there is no confrontations or conflict. Spending the day meeting everyone else's needs except your own in order to have peace at any price. I've lived my life that way and I'm trying to live differently. Meeting everyone's needs is exhausting and eventually it backfires. Because not everyone is going to be pleased and there will be conflict of some kind. Guilt sets in and obsession takes over on how that one person can be pleased. Never mind about the nine out of ten that are happy, it's that one person whose inablitiy to be happy invades the mind. This in my mind is merely surviving and exsisting as a shell of other people's wants and desires.
To live is not to worry about what others think. "What you think about me is none of my business" is my favorite and most healing quote in my life. Of course, such as in work situations, I'll consider suggestions about how to improve my job performance, but I do what I can. If there is a suggestion that seems unreasonable, then I can consider the source, address it and move on. Leaving that person to own their own feelings without taking on their stuff. This also applies to family situations and friendships. In other words, to a great suprise to myself, I am not God and therefore have no power magical or otherwise to heal emotional wounds of other people. Though as a natural caretaker, every once in a while I'm under the illusion I can fix everyone else's problems. 99.9% of the time that's not the case.
These lessons about living are only learned through experience. We all carry survival skills learned from childhood. Some, such as not touching a hot stove serves us well, others such as anticipating everyone elses needs and trying to meet those needs do not. I think when Jesus said, "Before taking the sliver out of your brother's eye, first take the plank out of your own eye" means much more than judging others. To me it means taking care of my business and meeting my wants and needs. This could mean just having a meal or taking a nap before tackling a big project. On a larger goal, I want to get my BA before I turn 50. And I'm on my way towards that goal.
If I live my life as authentically as I possibly can, I hope the need to have peace at any price will lessen and I won't be a shell of others and be myself.

Living Large

2006-03-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

I'm reading this book, "Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral" by Kris Radish. I went to her book reading at Third Place about three weeks ago. The author was quite engaging and related very well to her fan base. I was quite impressed.
I'm not going to tell you what the book is about, the title is self explanatory. But reading this novel has me thinking about what it means to live on this planet. I've spent the majority of my life living for others. Wanting to be liked and accepted I became a camillan and changed who I was to fit the person or group of friends I was with at the time. Now in my 40's I'm finally learning to be myself. To be honest about who I am and what I like or don't like. This is difficult, because it's uncharted territory for me. One of the most helpful quotes I've heard in my almost eight years in 12 step recovery is "What you think about me is none of my business". This particular quote gave me the keys to my own freedom, especially within.
There is also a song lyric from the Eagles, "So often time it happens, that we live our life in chains and we don't even know we have the key". This phrase appealed to my before recovery programs and my journey as a gnostic.
For me "living large" is to free myself within. To live as honestly as I can and be true to myself. In the words of Jesus, "Don't lie and don't do what you hate". I've spent most of my lifetime doing what I hate just to please others. And I've been miserable. It also seemed the more I framed my life around other's, the more I dissapointed them and myself. The truth is not everyone will like or accept me. The only one I really have to answer to is myself and the path the spiritual path I've chosen. I've decided to take the key and unlock my own chains, and trust this uncharted territory.

Poem

2006-03-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

It's the first Sunday in Lent. My goal is of course self examination, but also to become more aware of my surroundings. The following poem is an attempt to get out of this self-pitying funk I've been in and to see past the material of people, places and things. This is my first attempt. The title is
125th Street Northeast. This is a work in progress.

Your dwelling; around the Karate School, a boutique and Romio's Italian Restaurant. I see you sitting in an old off white kitchen chair on the east corner of the block writing. Two large shopping carts sit at each end of the sidewalk, and a smaller one next you. The contents of your life.

Waiting in my car for the light, I stare at one of the carts. A grey deflated air matteress draped over protecting possesions from sun, rain and snow. Inside plastic shopping bags tied at the top. One with the logo of Fred Meyer. I wonder what's inside. Food I imagine, perhaps photographs or mementos of easier times.

I think of a name for you. Sarah, Evelynn or Mabel. I'll call you Mabel. You remind me of my anut Mabel.

Waiting for a green light, I feel like an intruder. My car parked in the middle of your living room, exhaust fumes polluting your home. The north side of this block has been your home for a year now, maybe more.

As you lean forward over your pad of paper with your pen I wonder what you write. Lists. Food you desire or broken dreams. Perhaps a novel, a good story for all of us to enjoy. Glimpses of Rowling as a welfare mom writing fills my mind. I imagine that you'll beat the odds and become a famous writer, rags to riches story.

Light turns green. I drive out of your living room towards my destination, my mother's dwelling. She's a writer too. Had a poem published when she was eight years old. She use to teach English and Spanish. Were you a teacher?

I leave you behind with your shopping carts, the contents of your life inside. Silently I pray for you protection feeling like a hypocrite, the priest who blessed the man who was beaten my thiefs, but yet did nothing for him. Yet I do not want to intrude on what little privacy you have left.

Your name is Mabel, even though it's not your name. Perhaps one day someone will name me Mabel, Evelyn or Sarah as I sit on the corner and write. But for now all I think is, but for the grace of God go I.

By
Andrea Turner

Dark Days and Nights of the Soul

2006-02-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

The gnostic path is often said not to be a straight road, but rather a spiral. Sometimes on that spiral path, there are times of powerlessness and a sense of being overwhelmed by circumstances. With that comes feelings of despair, sadness and frustration. No matter how hard one tries, the light at the end of the spiral tunnel alludes the seeker. But the seeker keeps traveling.
I'm in such a moment on this gnostic path. But for now it doesn't seem gnostic or enlightening at all, it's just hard. And this is what is called life.
My question is how does one stay on this path towards gnosis when circumstances get in the way?
What does one give up to take care of sick parents, children going off to college and a job? Not to mention working on a relationship with spouse and trying to take care of one's own needs in the process. When does life seem to block the way towards gnosis. Or is the circumstances of life part of the lessons one learns on the way to achieveing gnosis?
I think about the disciple who said to Jesus, "Lord, first let me go bury my father."
And Jesus said unto him, "Follow me and let the dead bury their dead."
What does this mean? I am in this position now. My father is not dead, but he's towards the end of his life. The care of my father is interfereing what I hold most precious of all, my journey towards gnosis and I'm having a difficult time finding a balance. And in good conscience and because I love my father in no way I will not abandon him. I will care for him, but I need to find a balance where I can remain on the path of gnosis.
Perhaps the answer is, I am still on this path, but it looks and feels different. And I just need to remember, "This too shall pass."
It's been a difficult week cluttered with the road blocks of circumstances. And I'm not even seeing any sparks of light, just darkness all around me. Maybe this is the time I look within and find the light within myself.

Divine Intervention

2006-02-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

In my 12 step group, al-anon, we learn to take care of ourselves and basically stay out of other people's business, unless their behavior affects us personally; in that case we can set boundaires. What I've learned from this is that I'm not my families's higher power. Which of course was a big shock, because I've always taken care of everyone else except myself. And of course, not being the one who's addicted, I was of sound mind and knew what was best for everyone; was I delusional or what?? I was definetly NOT of sound mind, in most cases I was crazier than the alcoholics in my life. But in the course of my own disease I didn't see my own insanity until I reached my own bottom.
What I've learned this week watching my dad go through his crisis, was he has his own higher power and there was Divine Intervention. For years I tried in vain to get him to see a doctor. At one point I was going to call a doctor and just take him down there, but luckily for my relationship with my dad, I became too busy and that plan fell through. What happened was my dad reached his own bottom and asked for help. And that bottom wasn't a stroke or heart attack, it was bleeding ulcers. What I'm grateful for is he can communicate and is still of sound mind. Now where did my dad's Divine Intervention come from? Perhaps in his case, it was just common sense finally kicking in. I can't speak for my dad, but I can share where my Divine Intervention comes from
For me, it's the quiet voice I hear clearly when the committe in my head is shouting. When I was let go from my job a year ago, the shouting in my head yelled to defend myself, to try and save my job. But then I heard this quiet voice whisper, "Let Go", and that was powerful. The Divine Intervention for me isn't a big sign, a burning bush or a lightening strike; the Divine Intervention is quiet and most important of all loving. And that voice is the one that helps me take it one day at a time, and everything will be taken care of. So I'm grateful that I'm a mere instrument in my Higher Powers hands and I no longer, for the most part, have delusions that I know the answers, because I don't.

Things I Wish I Said

2006-02-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

I recieved an interesting call about a half hour ago. A recruiter, who identified himself as a sergent, from the army called me to see if he could bait me into joining the armed forces. He began with easing me into a false sense of security, like he cared what was going on in my life. This young man asked me if I enjoyed Cascadia Community College and I replied yes. Then he inquired which classes I was taking and I told him English and Math. Realizing where this was headed I then said, you stated you are a sergent? He replied yes. And I asked, nicely of course, and your trying to recruit me? And again he said yes. I then asked him, do you realize I am 42 years old? He coughed and sputtered and finally said well your over qualified. I guess he didn't want to tell me I was too old to join up. And I replied yes, way overqualified. Then he asked if I knew of anyone who'd be eligiable to join the armed forces. I lied and said no. My eighteen year old son, Paul was standing in the same room with me. I'm not about to allow a recruiter to talk to my son much less be an instrument to sent him off to war. Even though I trust Paul to hang up on him.
After hanging up I thought of a different scenarios to this conversation, ones that would be more fun, for me. Perhaps acting as if I was interested in joining the armed forces and leading this poor soul on and then stating my age. Or perhaps inquiring, do you ever check the birth dates of the people you call?
Or better yet, when he asked for others that might be interested in joining the armed forces, I could of given him names from the phone book and their numbers. Now that would be interesting if he actually made those calls. But the fact is, I'm too nice. Which isn't bad, it's just not in my nature to be cleaverly deceptive. And when I do think of ideas, it's usually after the fact.
This seems to happen to me all the time. I think of snappy comments a day after a conversation. Especially when I'm disagreeing with someone, I can't seem to get my point across and I feel like I sound like an idiot. So I just say "you could be right" and go on my way. Then I think of points that make sense, but it's too late.
So what's my point. None really. This phone call made me reflect on things unspoken, especially to solicitors. As a woman I was taught to be polite and allow the solicitors to talk, then politiely refuse their sales pitch. Now in my forties, I think bullshit, this is my time, and I choose to hang up. If I wanted to join the army I would of done so, 20 years ago! If I want a magazine subscription, I'll go get it myself, I don't need a sales pitch. So perhaps it's best just to hang up and say nothing at all. As the old adage goes, action speaks louder than words.

Life Happens

2006-02-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

As one who follows the gnostic path, I'd love to not have to work nor to school and just stay at home, read, pray and meditate; along with spending time with family, go out with friends, writing and enjoy my limited time here on earth. But life happens. Yesterday when I returned from mass, my husband informed me my dad was in the hospital. And today I am faced with the care of both of my parents as an only daughter. And what that means, especially in my gnostic path that I've chosen. In no way will I interpet the path I've chosen, to abandon my parents to the universe and go on my to pray and meditate while they suffer in their later years. But at the same time I'm limited in what I can do in this body and have to choose what I can and cannot do for them and ask for help for the rest.
So my question is, can the path I've chosen help me through taking care of my parents? I also have other resources, such as a 12 step group and very close friends that are willing to listen when I need to talk and give a shoulder when I need to cry. I recieved my answer last night, while reciting the gnostic rosary. If I open myself more to the path I've chosen, I will recieve what I need, not what I want.
Last night I did open myself up to the Holy Spirit and was able to release some of my grief and recieve the love and strength I need to get through this. There are no quick fixes or answers. As one who seeks gnosis, I just want an instruction book handed to me with a to do list that I can check off and go on my way. That's not the way it works. The path is a spiral one, and I don't know what will appear with each curve. All I know is that the spiral goes up towards a goal that I'm not certain about. And maybe that's all the information I need for now.

You Can't Take It With You

2006-02-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

This morning my husband and I went to an estate sale up the street from our home. As I was walking through this home filled with furniture, china, jewlery and knick knacks of all kinds I got to thinking what can we take with us after our death? Nothing. So why do so many of us spend our lives accumulating material items?
I have some items that have special meaning to me; a meditating Virgin Mary I use on my alter, my rosary and cathar cross, I do like my longaberger baskets and of course the computers I use for writing and e-mailing. Then there are the items such as furniture that's useful such as the couches, chairs and tables. But my garage and cabinets are filled with junk I never use. Old coffee pots, an espresso machine, clothes I don't wear any longer and yet I'm not ready to part with this stuff. Or I'm too lazy to have a garage sale so others can accumulate my junk. Actually it's the latter, I'm too lazy to go through the stuff that clutters my garage, cupboards and closets.
Maybe it's not the accumulation of material items that I have a problem with, but getting rid of the material items I no longer have need of. In short, simplifying my life. It's easier just to shove these items in the garage than pack them up in a box and call Good Will to take them. Also Good Will and other organizations are a bit picky about what they'll take, I don't blame them.
The point is, I can't take anything with me after I die. Not even my body. All I take is my spirit and perhaps the deeds I did or did not do on this earth. And what do I want to happen to all my material items after I'm gone? When I'm gone I won't really care, but in the here and now I might. When I go I'd like to only leave the things that are of use. I don't want some greedy estate incorporation to go through my mementos and put a price tag on it. As I was walking through this house, I realized this was someone's life. Yes it was displayed in knick knacks, funiture and books, but some of these items must of meant something to the person who died. And the thought of buying anything in this house gave me a weird feeling. What kind of energy or karma was attached to these items? What kind of memories? So my husband and I left without buying anything, which I believe was wise.
So my rambling thoughts for today is, "You Can't Take It With You". And if you could, would you?

Sheep

2006-02-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about power and control over the masses lately. I wrote a bit on that subject in my last post. The book I'm writing is partly based on how the population is controlled by the media, and what the government only allows us to hear. The main character simply points out the truth that everyone subconciously knows already, freedom is within, not mandated by the governement on what you can own, do or say. In this country we talk about freedom of speech and our civil rights, but are we truely free? And what is true freedom? Most in our country being free is having lots of stuff, money, houses, vacations, 401k's etc. But when we have lots of possesions, we're tied to them. We need a job to pay the mortgages and to keep up on 401ks. The 401ks aren't safe because they are in the stock market. We all know how reliable the stock market is.
Does money bring true freedom? I know for myself, it didn't. I did have a good paying job, but being paid well, it was easy to charge everything. Now that I'm a student, I'm in debt, and basically I'm not free. What money I make goes to paying off the car and the credit cars and to heat our house. Whatever little is left, goes toward food. So more money did not make me free. And that good job, stressed me out. All I thought about was the "job". When I had time off, all I could think about was the job and nothing more. The job became my identity.
In a way, I'm more free now than when I had a job that paid well. My husband and I came up with a payment plan to get out of debt within three years. I work a part-time job that doesn't stress me out and I'm doing what I love. I'm back in school and I'm writing. Jesus said, "Don't lie and don't do what you hate" or is it "do what you love"? Yes there are times I get sick of not having enough money to buy things for myself and yes I worry I don't have a retirement built up. But a title of a play says it all, "You Can't Take It With You". What I do have is my sanity and health. I'm not as anxious and my identity is not tied to my job. I look at my job as what I do, not who I am. I look at being a student as what I do, not who I am. And with writing, it's what I'd like to do to make a living someday. It's not who I am.
I no longer want to follow the other sheep into the false sense of security of material items. I do like a house over my head and to be warm. But what I crave most is to do what I love. And to live life large, which for me means to laugh often and to participate in my own life. This probably sounds like idealist bullshit, and it probably is. But this is the only life I'll remember. I might enjoy this time on earth while I'm here and not be so damn serious.

Stigmata

2006-02-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

I just watched the movie, Stigmata on TNT. Never saw it before. Despite all blood and the drama of the movie, one thing stood out to me. "The kingdom of God is within". Then at the end of the movie, there was a statement about the discovery of the Nag Hammadi.
Being a Gnostic, I know the kingdom of God is within. What was interesting about this movie was the cardinal kept saying "You are not going to destroy my church" while strangling the woman who was experiencing the Stigmata. I got to thinking about this world. It's all about power and control over the masses. Yes, that's nothing knew. But what would happen if we all freed ourselves spirtually from the powers on this earth? Yet again, what would happen if we all decided to live off the grid, build solar houses, quit driving our cars, or yet used our own bio fuel and grew our own food. Yes the question, is could we live like that? Could we actually fend for ourselves? I don't know. But for me, it starts with freeing myself spiritually from the confines of our current religious system, and acknowledging the spark of light within myself. That's my own foundation. From that point I can go from there.

Candlemas

2006-02-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrated Candlemas and Blessing of the throat. I didn't realize this, but this is the halfway point towards spring. Candlemas was a nice reminder that winter will not last long. The crocus's are spouting out in my garden. I always think February is too early, but then again their tiny yellow and blue petals reminds me that spring will be here.
We had a big winter storm yesterday in the great city of Seattle. Our power went out last night after the storm. Our power always goes out after the storm, never during. I never could figure that one out. My son's and I had a nice time reading in the candle light and sometime for family conversation. Something we normally don't participate in when we have power. It's amazing how much time electricity and all it's trappings rob us of. But then again I make the choice to work on this blog instead of talking with my son's. Then again it is Superbowl Sunday and the Seahawks are playing. First time in the 30 year history of the Seahawks they made it to the Superbowl.
But I digress. To me Candlemas brings hope of more light. The dark days will soon be over and I'll be able to go out and enjoy working in my garden again. I also hope my soul will be lighter after a long difficult winter. That's it for now. Thank you for reading the post

Blessings
Andrea

Welcome to Spectrum of Light

2006-02-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

I've decided to write a blog. Not certain why. I thought it might be an interesting experience. The title might intrigue some of you. Why spectrum of light? Perhaps because these days I crave light in this winter of darkness. I thought perhaps this title might induce hope for the spring to come.
I also hope this might be an arena to discuss spiritual insights. I've been thinking about my own spirituality and where I want to go with it. I'm open to discussion on this subject. The title Spectrum of Light appeals to me. Like Spectrum of Spiritualies. I'm also writing my first novel based on colors and light. I've written two chapters so far and have recieved very helpful advice from my writing workshop in my class. I'm not certain if I'll go the whole way with this novel, but it's worth pursing for now. Speaking of class, it's time for me to leave.
Thank You for checking this out.

Andrea